The journey of a hero

A whole year has passed again and came to a full circle; and tomorrow the same old year will start, same in a new way again.

I never really believed in New Years but I have to admit there is something about it, about a new start with all that banging and bright lights around, something that forces you to wake up in the middle of a long winter night, wake up and steer your life in a brand new direction, or keep the course and keep on walking.

Today I felt a deep urge to write again. I wish it came from a place of joy and happiness but this time it comes with a long and heavy veil of deep sadness. 

The story, however, always comes to a full circle, and it starts and ends in love. In fact, love is there all along, never ending. Everything there is, is made of love. And I try to never forget that, no matter how it appears to be on the outside.

I met the love of my life, I got married, we bought the house that became our home and planted the roses to grow with us for the years to come. We danced naked, we cried, we laughed through those tears, we cook, we walk in the moonlight, swam with the seals, hold each other in sorrow, pain and anger and we fall asleep together. 

And we do all that with love and passion, with the force, full of life and intensity.

Our love taught me how much human beings crave connection and unity on this heroic journey through life. 

That's what we remember from the Home and that's what makes us feel safe here as well.

And then I experienced incredibly painful loss. I lost our first baby just eight weeks after we found out. I know we didn't lose the soul that comes to our lives but I lost the connection, the promise of home that came with it. My body healed, my heart grows stronger but still feels that pain. And in that pain I forgot I can't do it on my own.

The journey of a hero is never a lonely journey. For two months I hardly ever mentioned my sadness and grief because I desperately wanted to forget and resume the "normal" state. Yet whatever I did, every now and then, the pain made itself present, made sure I would not forget it is there. And I don't have to tell you that pain hurts more when you try to ignore it.

My soul was, my heart were crying for the loss and I ignored them as much as I could, the fear and frustration creeped in and I learned what it means to scream in anger. And yes, I even hated myself and my body for a moment. I felt sorry for myself, I cried, I pretended, shouted and again hated myself for not being able to heal and cope fast enough. 

And day after day I was losing the fight, getting weaker and more tired and didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I knew I couldn't win the fight...alone!

I wish I knew at least one person who has been through the same, I wish someone would tell me that it hurts for such a long time. I wish I didn't have to punish myself for feeling the connection that was there for those eight weeks.

I wish I didn't pretend and felt safe enough to grief openly as long as I needed. I could have avoided the confusion I created within and around me. 

My friend once told me that if we were meant to go through it all alone, we all would be given a separate planet to live on! Surely the space is big enough to provide that!

But no, we squeeze in here, having to learn to go through it together. Because even though separated by our bodies, we all crave the connection, remembering the Home of oneness. 

My husband has the most loving eyes I have ever seen and when I look at him in silence, my own start filling with tears of gratitude...if I keep ignoring the pain that is in my life now, if I withdraw and separate, how much connection do I offer and leave? What if, what if he craves the same after all?!

I can't go through it on my own anymore and I know love is still there even though it's hard to see from time to time. And I have those eyes, his arms and whole wide world to hold on to in my grief. I forgot I never needed to get back to normal, I never needed myself back because I was never lost, just sad.

The day I went to the hospital, few moments before, I was laying on the floor in our bathroom in excruciating pain saying to myself and baby that I release him now, that it can go if he has to.

The day I came back from the hospital, the same day when people remember their deceased loved ones, I stopped to light a candle and all I could say at that moment, the only words that came out were "Thank you!".

And now I am grateful again looking into my husband's eyes and feeling the smile on my face. All is made of love, and it always has been!

The only sin and the only reason to die

"Can you be just happy?! Happy to death, literally! To say one day that you died of happiness!"

Start anew, happy, and let yourself die 

a little everytime 

sadness and fears come, get through

the cracks of your brokenness and frailty;

Die a little

Be born again,

happy and without past!

Was the death on the cross so small

that you chose to sin 

against yourself anyway?

Just be fucking happy!

And if it upsets the world, well done!

You needed that slap in the face 

once too.

Why do you want something

you already have,

and don't want something

that is not!

On Diving in

"You see, Vladka, the truths are nothing unless you can apply them." He told me. He didn't even know all the details of what I was going through and yet, he totally nailed it! All that I had been working on for three years, I mastered. But I was the master of a theory and that's not enough, that's not why we came here in the first place. Mastering the theory is like remembering the truth but we came here to experience it, to choose it and be it! We know it all already anyway, just forgot it for a while.

"You don't manifest what you want, you manifest what you are." 

A whole lot has been written and said about the art of manifestation and creation. Steps are easy to find, easy to follow. Be clear, set the intention, feel it, believe it, chill...and finally?! Accept and choose your choice and creation! 

All that before, from being clear about your goal to letting it go, is actually just a theory even though it requires hard work. The beingness of it comes with willingness to accept your own creation, the choice to be it despite the opposition and despite your own past self.

Testing the waters is safe, it can give us confidence and partial experience but it can only serve us partially as well. Jumping in the water is a full experience, diving into it is a full experience and yes, it is risky. We totally risk getting what we wanted all the time! It is a difference between recognising the spark inside yourself and seeing it as a seed of God, and knowing yourself as God, it is a difference between seeking the love outside, and being the love with its infinite potential.

Strive for the truth! The same message again. I asked again and again what the truth I should be striving for is and I expected yet another piece of information to follow, a piece of universal wisdom or knowledge to memorize. 

The truth, however, goes beyond knowingness. It is in being, in choice and most importantly in a choice to accept, dive in, and be...transformed once again!

On drawing the line

The beaches of North Norfolk are stunning! Wild and enchanting with cold, harsh winds blowing from the sea, playing with the tall grass in tune with the songs of birds nesting in the marshes! 

And at the same time, that same beauty is in a constant "danger" of slowly disappearing in the sea with every high tide that takes the sand and dunes away.

That's life though! And the proof that it is still alive, the world we live in, no matter how constant it may appear.

How often have I talked and written about the necessity to leave something behind in order to be able to reach out for something new. How often was I put in a situation where I needed to leave something behind, let go, and move on. And how often have I refused to burn the bridges just because...

...well, the truth I realized today is that I didn't burn the bridges in the past because I wanted a way back, just in case, an escape button for my life, maybe I wanted to be "a good girl" for everyone, for those I left behind as well as for all those I was just about to meet and greet in my life. 

I could say I was a chronic "people pleaser", a coward who hides behind a smile and friendliness even though my intention was just not to hurt anyone around. That intention was there always, that's how much I know for sure! 

However, what I forgot was the fact that it's not only dishonest but keeps me stuck and defined by my past.

It was on one of those beach walks when I thought about all that sand taken away. We grieve for it being taken away and we even try to stop that but there is a new island somewhere else being formed at the same time! 

Nothing in the nature disappears! And nothing is the same as it was before so why do we keep defining ourselves by who we were in the past?!

A wise elder lady told me today that I can't have love I desire and fear it at the same time.

I simply have to choose one! I have to choose one and act accordingly. 

"Make up your mind", she said, with a gentle smile on her face and firmness in her voice! She was clear about that, there was nothing to discuss.

So what do you choose when you finally face your dream, when you are no longer settling for less than you deserve? Are you willing to burn the bridges with the past, close the doors behind painful experiences, and forget the image you had about yourself in the past?! What is the real price you would have to pay? What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could happen? 

What would love do now? 

There comes a moment when being ready is simply not enough any more, a step forward has to be taken! A step forward, leaving the bridges and doors behind! Have faith, there was a new island being formed for you all along the way, you just need to leave the beach behind.

On the past

We like to think the past holds us hostage but the truth is, it is us who hold on to it because it is the only familiar thing we can relate to.

And then, when we come to face a new experience in our lives, we stand in front of the decision to react to it and do as we did before or create something new. 

And this is true with our dreams as well as fears!

Sometimes, we subconsciously sabotage a new experience by choosing the same reactions, assumptions, and stories we experienced before. We basically decide to experience the same just to prove we "know" the life we live, to feel in control no matter how sick and weird such choice is.

And why is it a sick and weird choice? Well, because we choose to punish ourselves just to prove we know the answer to the question of life.

Paolo Coelho wrote in one of his books that when we get very close to reaching our dream, we have a tendency to self-sabotage it.

How?

Simply by acknowledging the wounds we have as more real than the light that shines through us!

The wounds, the experience I had in the past was so intense that tried to push it away,  hoping I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was somehow hoping it would go away but simply ignoring it and focusing on the bright side of the life as much as I could. And it worked!

...for a while!

It worked until I was ready (and probably strong enough) to face it and hopefully choose again, create something new in my life or repeat and react in the way I did before.

What did you learn?

How well do you remember who you truly are in the face of your fears and wounds?

How much are you dedicated to creation (in contrary to reaction)?

I heard my soul asking me these questions again and again over these last few days. Persistently but with a gentle patience and loving kindness as my soul always does.

I was hurt in the past, for a while I decided I can't trust anyone and so abandoned love completely. For a while... and I blamed everyone, including myself for all the pain and loss. For a while I wanted to play the role of a victim. 

But it all lasted just for a while!

But how do we really know we are ready to move on and create instead of react?

Well, we know that when we are given another opportunity to choose and decide which way to want to go this time. 

I knew that when my dreams started to take on! It was relatively easy while they were still young and "formless". I was still in control and didn't feel the need to choose one way only I suppose. 

I needed an earthquake to come to my senses to choose consciously!

I saw myself punishing myself, pushing the new choice and new experience away from me, sabotaging my dream just because I knew how to react to pain already. 

But maybe, just maybe, I can learn how to react to love this time! At least that's what I choose today!

And for a while, just for a while I need to forget what I had learned before.

On acceptance

I have skipped a week, last Sunday I didn't write anything even though the thoughts in my head literally took over. It was just too busy in there I suppose to write down anything substantial.

Well, days like that happen too and the only thing I can do, the only thing I could do at that moment was to accept it as it was and is.

Is that a failure? I saw it like that for a while. I saw it as me failing to follow through with my commitment to write regularly. But that perception lasted just a little while. A little while until I realized and remembered I did my best at that moment! Maybe I would do things differently now but then, at that moment I did all I could.

If you have read the book called Four Agreements then you may remember but that one of them is "do you best".

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy and when you are sick. Under any circumstances simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret."

Over the last two weeks I had to remind myself how much work I have done so far, remember that, no matter how difficult times were, how challenging and tiring the journey is sometimes. Old fears and insecurities came to the surface once more and I could choose to create anew or react like I did before. React like I did when it was all I could do and it was my best then! I always did my best. I am who I am as a result of that and all I can do now, right now, is to accept it, accept myself! Am I englightened? Perfect? Finished piece of work? Certainly not! But I know now, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, with all the imperfections and wounds to teach me about acceptance. And every time I make a conscious choice to accept myself as I am at any moment, I am closer to accepting others as well. It simply doesn't work the other way round!

Love thrives in a sanctuary called acceptance!

And where does it all start? It is not knowing, not understanding, or enjoying someone that is the starting point! It all starts with acceptance. And we all can start right where we are with the person closest to us, ourselves!

Dear God, please help me to believe the truth about myself...no matter how beautiful it is." Macrina Wiederkehr

On paradox

Do you have a bad day, feel frustrated, fed up or hopeless? Try this, feel good and watch what happens!

I think it is so important I even put it on a card I carry in my bag wherever I go.

How to do that? How to simply feel good? I suggest just stop doing whatever you are as it obviously does not help. Stop and do anything, anything else that would change the way you feel! Don't be too selective, don't overanalyze, just do something else and focus on that for a while.

And try this also when you are frantically looking for something you have lost, longing for something you desire, or trying to let go of something you don't want anymore in your life.

In one of my favorite films there is a scene where one of the characters explains her desire to find a ladybug as a child. Maybe you have seen the film, Under the Tuscan Sun. After a while she was so tired she just gave up and fell asleep in the grass. And when she woke up, ladybugs were crawling all over her!

To get what you want you might need to give up first!

The ladybug landed on my hand this week! It is winter, cold and freezing almost every day but somehow someway she made it to remind me of the scene, she reminded me to stop obsessing over what I want most! 

Oh and I know how difficult it is to break that pattern, to stop the tape in your mind, to let go of your control.

Because that's it, exactly, let go of your control! You can't truly let go unless you admit there is a higher power taking care of it all on your behalf when you can't see the way out from your limited perspective, missing the bigger picture.

This week I learned something new as well! I found out that similar "approach" is also a popular practice among the Buddhist monks. It is called Koan. It can be a story, a statement, or a question that can't be understood logically. 

Gretchen Rubin gives several great examples of koans on her blog, examples that are not necessarily of Zen origin but serve the same purpose.

And why do I mention koans in my post on a paradox? Well, isn't it all about a paradox that defies the logic and yet we all somehow suspect the grain of truth hides inside (or shall I say a pearl of truth?)? 

Isn't the Divine timing perfect after all to teach me about koans on the day I decided to write about a paradox, during the week I struggled with my obsessive way finding and problem solving?

So once again, feel good and watch what happens, especially when you feel like shit! Yes, so bad! It goes against the logic and that's the point after all!

And if you feel like you might use some other "koans" to unplug, try to meditate over one of these. There is no particular order or importance. Just pick one that speaks to you when you are stuck and give it your attention for a while...and watch what happens!

Let go of what you desire most

You don't manifest what you want, you manifest what you are

Give that which you lack

Want what you have and you will have what you want

In my weakness my strength lies