On failing

"We grow and leave the places we call homes. And then, we try to recreate those places from our memories and experiences, hoping to make it work for us again. I thought I had it. I had worked hard on making it work and looked for all the ingredients necessary. Yet I had failed without understanding why, and I kept failing." Camino Called Life

This week I could add "and I keep failing again".

There are easy weeks when everything seems to flow effortlessly and then there are weeks when you can't find a way to make it work, to move forward when things didn't work out, to get into grips with the purpose and meaning of it all.

Everything around me is changing. People move on, start new businesses or have babies and I was somehow forced to realize (maybe more than ever) that despite the wonderful dreams and goals I have for my life, despite the never-ceasing pursue of my calling, despite being fully aware and proud of the journey I started three years ago, despite it all, there are times when I feel empty, lost or alone.

I got to the point in my life when I wouldn't be able to put aside what I have learned. And at the same time, I see that is not enough, that is not the end. There is still more to learn and lots to build.

Whatever you learn, especially that which you learn through pain and failure, is a part of your appointment! It is then when you start to see oneness instead of separation, and when love outgrows fear.

Finally, I need to stop punishing myself for the mistakes I did in the past because I didn't know better, for the times I hurt those I love with the decisions I had to make, for the love I couldn't give because I didn't have it myself. I won't be able to move on unIess I start receiving, with love! That's it; receive with love!

What if the mistakes, the failures, the obstacles are blessings in disguise? What if they are even more than that? What if they are the key to unlocking your full potential, letting the perfect Divine break through the imperfect form? 

"God turns the mess in our lives to our message!" Joel Osteen

Yes, this week, I temporarily lost the land from my sight, I was left swimming in cold waters for life, alone, helpless. But you know what? Deep down, the spark, the flame didn't die out and that made all the difference. That's the light we don't chose to get, that's the appointment we receive to bear the fruits that will last, and it will get us through it all if we don't ignore it. And it will get us through better off than we were before.

Receive the experiences, the failures, the LOVE this world offers you along the way! 

"The Soul within our individual souls loves the one who runs and falls down more than the one who sits and watches." Rumi

On playfulness

Playfulness is dangerous!

There is always a danger of something coming out of it. But what a wonderful thing it is, isn't it?!

What I mean to write about this week is attitude rather than behavior as such. Playfulness and lightness in the heart and mind. A couple of weeks ago, I followed the nudge, trusted my intuition and acted upon the promise of joy. Circumstances haven't changed but I have!

"A grownup is a child with layers on." ~Woody Harrelson

So let me share some of my observations and discoveries on playfulness. 

It is the foundation of all creation. Actually, we can create based on what is not coming from our heart but do we really want that? I see playfulness as a gateway to our hearts or a gatekeeper we need to befriend before we enter. And then, once we get inside, everything we ever wished for or imagined (im)possible is there.

I got that part quickly. I understood the importance of such attitude. However, something was missing when I tried to apply it in my life. 

And this week, I finally found out what it was that I overlooked. 

1. Playfulness reminds us of our own potential - playfulness is like a seed planted in the soil of curiosity. Love and action are essential for it to grow. Imagine yourself for a moment, how do you act when you get curious about something? What is your attitude about it? For me, love is central at that point as well as an active participation from my side to find out more, to indulge more in it, to experience it fully. To cultivate your playfulness, whatever it is you have to do today, invite love in your attitude. Or, whatever it is you feel love for now, show your participation somehow.

2. Playfulness restores the balance - the previous point on love and  action sort of says it all but let me add something to it. Over a year ago, I became really passionate and curious about reclaiming my femininity. I read everything I found on the topic, talked to other women on the same path, practiced my own rituals until that sleeping beauty within me finally woke up. What a long and strange journey it's been! And then, suddenly, as the initial excitement faded away and I became accustomed to that "new" part of myself, all kinds of sad and melancholic feelings emerged. No one had warned me that feeling this way is just  another side of feminine principle. Yes, being truly feminine comes with a certain amount of passivity, melancholy, sensitivity and even sadness at times. 

In my pursuit of sacred feminine, I completely neglected masculine principle. The principle which manifests as action, fire, enthusiasm. If feminine is all that stands for love, then masculine is here to teach us about the action. And we certainly need them both to live the life fully.

As for women, embracing masculine does not necessarily mean acting like a man. Let me give you an example I found very useful to understand it better. Look at the women of Bible! There is Mary and Mary. And they are both very close to Jesus. One is a mother, madonna, virgin. The other one is all but saint in the eyes of society. She is loud, active, in the front. Every woman is partly madonna and partly dancer! Living from heart, however, we can restore the balance within; bring forth the best of both.

Where are you on this scale? Are you comfortable enough to take from both? 

3. Playfulness itself is a lesson - the last thing I would like to say about playfulness is that being playful in your attitude, approach, or even while examining the experience you earn throughout the life is the lesson itself. Playfulness should never be attached to results! It is this "condition" that gives it its freedom and power at the same time. Expecting an outcome after being playful robs us of the opportunity to learn the life lesson beyond anything we could ever expect in the first place. It is not about keeping a happy face at all times. It is, however, about the smile/spark/spirit we carry inside, in good times and in bad times, that reminds us who we are and why we are here. Love.

Is there a smile in your heart now?  A smile that maybe spreads even across your face gently? I thought it could! 

On healing

"To heal, we need to open the wounds, clean the wounds, use some medicine, and keep the wounds clean until they heal." Don Miguel Ruiz

It is not that we can heal ourselves but rather that we are willing to accept the healing.

It is also true that healing is, in its essence, coming back to oneself and oneness. These two are of the same nature after all, love and light.

And let me tell you, once you find the light within, nothing will be able to hide it again, not even you, because the force behind it is stronger than anything else.

As strange as it may sound, it is the person who needs healing that does not allow it to happen most of the time. 

The Course in miracles teaches us that the process of healing can be so painful that we tend to give it up too soon or even avoid it. We need courage to accept healing and we need to surrender to whatever it takes in order to be healed. But we need to approach healing conscious and awake!

"The truth is like a scalpel because it is painful to open our wounds and uncover all of the lies....there is no other way but forgiveness to clean the wounds of all the poison...there is no other medicine but unconditional love. That is the healing. Three simple points: the truth, forgiveness and love." Don Miguel Ruiz

Marianne Williamson writes in her book A Return to Love that even if we offer the "problem" to God and by doing so allow the healing, He can't bring light into that which we keep hiding. 

The truth, forgiveness, and love! You start with yourself and then you will be given as many teachers/partners/encounters as you need to be healed. We came to live on the planet with other human beings, living beings and the living world itself. We came to place and time that is most beneficial for us and for others as well. We came here to fulfill the purpose with the tools we have, not with what we need to acquire. We just need to remember that. We need to heal ourselves first in order to heal others. 

And this is the ultimate purpose - healing for everyone, coming back to the Source after the separation long time ago, understanding that we have been One all the time.

Your partner, parents, kids, friends, they are all here to heal you, treat them accordingly! And don't judge them just because it hurts sometimes. Maybe they are just opening another wound of yours. And you may be just opening the space for miracles.

Problems and solutions

Did I mention last week how I had decided to act upon the promise of joy? Well, I have to say that the problems I had to face last week haven't changed that much, my situation is similar, yet something did change after all!

I found a solution! I know it may not make much sense but please, keep reading. It kind of might towards the end.

Our problems and the solutions are of different frequencies!

I tried too hard and for too long to solve the situation I was not happy about! Without much success. And then I heard that strange statement about the nature of problems and their solutions. I heard it a couple of months ago but I admit, I didn't really get it then. 

Until last week! I had time to read three books including Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. Nicely blended with the lesson about Joy I had learned the week before, I finally understood that principle!

As awkward as it may sound, when facing a problem, forget it! Just put it aside for a while and leave it there unnoticed!

Observe your feelings, your emotions. They are not random, meaningless results of your actions. Neither are they the faults in your character that need to be avoided.

They represent the state you are in, they reflect what you've been cultivating inside and they are most likely going to manifest your own creation in the physical world as well.

If you feel down, lost or stuck and really dwell on it, notice how you create more of that in your life. 

It is almost like when Mother Theresa famously refused to take part in fighting the war. Instead, she explained, "invite me when you will work for peace". If you wish to feel peace inside, you can't think about fighting the problems you have.

Here is how I started working in the inner peace and joy:

First, be present and aware of what is. There is no use pretending or rejecting the feelings (positive or negative). 

Second, practice undoing. Stop working so hard. Let go and let God take it over from you.

Third, do what you can right now to just feel good. Feeling good is a state where the inspiration, creativity, and enthusiasm flow. It is your natural state. 

Your part in responsibility for your life is choosing consciously the feelings and thoughts you follow.

In Zen, they call it Zen Mind or the beginner's mind. The mind that is open, non judgmental, absorbing. In Christianity, the child like mind is mentioned repeatedly and it is also a key to the Kindgom of Heaven. I encourage you this week to watch children for a while, their nature and state of mind. Be kind to yourself  and without attachment to results, find your own "solutions", ways to just feel good again.

"I am a glorious child of God. I am joyful, serene, positive, and loving." M.Williamson

This is you! Problems arise from mistakes, faults, misconception, illusion. And that's why we can never solve them there. Our true power is in our nature. Nurture it and your own light will dispel any darkness around.

" something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change, the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world." M.Williamson

On Joy

"Hafiz tells us that the Beloved's nature is pure Joy! The closer we come to Him, the more we are able to hear and feel God's Laughter. The rhythm of His Laughter is the music of the dance of life. That music is the essence of Love!"

I would like to start today with saying that whatever I share here is what I experience throughout the week and what I perceive as I message to be shared and learnt ( by me in the first place obviously). It rarely means it is a finished story for me. Moreover, as I believe in the flow, it often seems to be interrelated and sort of evolving.

So how is joy related to the guidance I was writing about last week?

"Then, by the will of God, I will be able to come to you with a joyful heart, and we will be an encouragement to each other." Romans 15:32

Last weekend I said yes to every invitation I received despite my lack of enthusiasm. I said yes because I understood that the Guidance only is not enough. And so I write here again as I did last week, it is your free will whether you take a step further in that direction or not. 

And as a beautiful message and reassurance, last Sunday I received a slip of paper with the verse from Bible, Romans 15:32. Just that! And yet, I understood and rejoiced without any particular reason or need for explanation.

It is true that to fully experience, embody, and live the Divine Joy, it is necessary to trust the promise beforehand. The Joy is the essence, creative force, and it needs to be present and cultivated before we actually have a reason for it. 

You are an artist because you create and not because of the outcome. The creation itself is the art just like we know that the journey itself is the destination. 

It is as simple as that, you can't be joyful as long as you want it! 

And so that day when I got the paper with the verse, I knew the promise was given to me and I could simply let go of all the worries of "how" or "when" to bring joy into my life. 

Out of that presence and state of mind and heart, I was able to reach so deep within myself and experience such a strong divine connection that my path was perfectly paved over the week. It is the path of the meaning and purpose and I will most likely write about it next week. Today I would love to leave you with the promise the boy with a piece of paper left me with last Sunday. The God's Laughter, the Joy!

Just say yes when it comes and with a joyful heart encourage each other.

"Everyone can answer for themselves whether wanting a better life makes what already is better. Make a wish and watch your own state and your own emotions. Does it make you feel at peace? Does it feel like you want to shout into the world, "thank you dear God, thank you!”? 

You have just got it if it does!

So ask, enjoy the joy you brought into the world at this moment, and move on with whatever you do or have." Camino Called Life

On guidance

This week taught me something little about guidance, trust, and true meaning of faith. The lesson is not finished yet for me but here is what I learned so far.

If you ask for guidance, I heard, you have to trust the guide and the ways s/he takes you. We know guides know more and better, they can see farther and know safer paths. 

If you ask for help, I realized, you need to let the helper do what s/he can. 

Yet too many times we ask for help and refuse to give up the ways/thoughts/habits/behaviors we hold on to.

I woke up in the middle of the night. Actually, it was just before 4am, still dark and rather chilly. I looked at the clock and thought of going back to sleep because I just couldn't keep my eyes open. And then I heard the voice of my guide. First, it reminded me the lines from Rumi,

"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don't go back to sleep."

And then, gently, reminded me my own prayer for guidance. Here it was, now I had to take that step, or not.

I got up, wrapped myself in the blanket, and went out on my balcony. There I sat, half asleep. I felt the breeze on my face, the same kind messenger Rumi experienced centuries ago. It kissed me on a cheek and whispered the secret in my ear. Birds were all awake, one last star lingered among the clouds scattered across the night sky, and tall proud trees just silently witnessed my communion.

I don't know what the secret was. Maybe I was too sleepy. Maybe I just need more time to remember the ancient language of the Guide. Maybe next time I will understand. But I am glad I obeyed, surrendered, and didn't limit my spirit by my mind.

Hafiz said it so beautifully, "I am a hole in a flute that the Christ's breath moves through - listen to this music."

The ancient Tao Te Ching is full of it,

"Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.

Do your work, then step back.

Can you deal with the most vital matters by letting events take their course?"

And of course, Bible puts it like this,

"in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Even my salsa teacher focused on letting go this week. Woman has to be gentle, flexible for her partner to take the lead, he said. You don't need to be dominant, you don't have to break the walls standing in your way, or harden yourself as rock to succeed. Just seek your purpose, the meaning of your journey here. Let the path unfold and unveil in front of you and be brave enough to take it.

 After all, isn't the water of the river stronger than the rocks in the way? Isn't it stronger in its softness and flexibility? It always finds its way to the sea no matter how far or difficult the way is. But you can't grasp it in your fist, and even our control over it is limited. But not its potential and ability.

I go out to find a house for myself.

I go in and find out that God has made a joint home for both of us to live in." Sri Chinmoy

"The symbol of El Camino de Santiago is the scallop shell. It is said that as the waves of the ocean wash the shells up onto the shores, the hands of God guide us to our final destination. The destination is same for all of us, despite the different routes we may take there. The scallop shell is the rising and the setting sun. It is the unity of all that is seemingly diverse. It is the open hand full of possibilities." Camino Called Life

On relationships

I am writing from the point of view of a woman, of course, but I believe men, just as much as women, need to reclaim what their true essence is, to accompany each other, not vainly looking for the wholeness outside!

The first and most important realization to start with is "being yourself, who you are truly and unapologetically and what you can build from that."

The time of silence is of immense value to find the answer to that. And so is the time spent alone. It is not always easy to face our true nature, our mind and soul, and  accept it as it is, dark as much as bright, powerful as well as weak. Accept, embrace, and release all that was left unnoticed, what you were scared of, what you rejected. 

It doesn't mean we start acting upon any feeling that arises within, manifest the darkness we all experienced. But rather, look for ways to build a path into the light, realize that we are not our feelings and regoznise our power over them, listen to their message but do not impose them on others. 

And then, when you remember who you are, look at your relationships again, anew!

Here comes another challenge, temptation. As Gary Douglas says "don't divorce yourself just because you are in a relationship with another person."

Or else, what would you build from?

      What is the purpose of any relationship, be it friendship, parenting, marriage?

Try to answer this question for yourself and examine again how much yourself is in it, how much you allow yourself to contribute to the creation that comes from relationships.

First of all, I see any form of relationship as a mean of creation on earth. We need to experience oneness, merge opposites and all their qualities to create something new. When we approach creation from the place of lack what comes to life?

A true friendship is about empowering the strengths we hold. A conscious parenting is about guidance towards full potential. Marriage of souls is a journey of seeing each other in what appears to be dual. 

So what is the purpose of relationship? Surely not completion, filling the emptiness, competition. It is not about seeing myself in the eyes of another but more about seeing the creation in the eyes of the other. It is not putting yourself in front of another, nor diminishing oneself. 

Relationship mantra: "Let me be me and you be you. And together create something new in this world, something as true, complete, and honest as we are in it."

"If only you are lucky to find the person whose eyes are your home, with no restrictions or conditions. You walk together and offer healing to each other without knowing it. With only that, with that much, you walk every day through life to wherever your place is, and each one is free to walk their own path." Camino Called Life