On the void

"When I asked you before some lessons you had become aware of, they were answered in your writing.  I think you experienced and described some spiritual truths perfectly." He told me after reading my book. 

"They weren't lost on me. You didn't mention if you found out your purpose." He added after a while but I left it there. Something like that should be easy to answer, I thought.

"Many people who are going through the early stages of the awakening process are no longer certain what their outer purpose is. What drives the world no longer drives them. Seeing the madness of our civilization so clearly, they may feel somewhat alienated from the culture around them. Some feel that they inhabit a no-man’s-land between two worlds. They are no longer run by the ego, yet the arising awareness has not yet become fully integrated into their lives. Inner and outer purpose have not merged." E.Tolle

Why is the third advent candle pink? Why is the third advent Sunday about joy when we still have to wait for the light to be born into the world? 

Someone told me once that there is an answer hidden in a good question and this seems to be just another example of that as well. We need to be reminded of joy and light when the darkness is most present in our lives, when we still have to wait for the light to be born, when it feels like there is no end to the tunnel we are going through. That's the time we need the joy, the memory of the light most of all.

"Being the character of your own movie, you may easily miss the bigger picture of the story unfolding around you. Life is a constant change but it is not just some random, unpredictable transformation. It is more of an evolution, a process. Thoughts, understanding, and feelings were slowly changing and evolving within me and it was just a matter of time until I would be ready to take the step into a new chapter, walk through another door, and experience a breath of fresh air again. But that single step is usually the most difficult one, the step just before we reach the handle of the new door, the moment when we are left with empty open hands, vulnerable, and in flux. The good thing about being in such a situation is that if you are alert enough you can actually witness the incredible way in which the world has opened up for you and works for you." Camino Called Life

It does not feel comfortable when one has to experience the void. It literally strips off every layer left from the world you are leaving and for a while it leaves you naked, vulnerable and innocent again. For a moment you may feel like you want to keep just a bit of what worked before, just enough to make it through, just enough to feel like you can still belong somewhere. 

You are being born again and just like a new born baby, your innate need to belong somewhere drives you to do whatever it takes to belong. 

The first problem in this birth is that your parents are within yourself, the only guide and teacher you can rely on and follow. You need to learn their names and trust them.

The second problem is that you still remember your life before and that means a lot of unlearning to be done.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

But even there, in the void, is something incredibly precious, something why it all makes senses, something what can't be found anywhere else. These are the rare moments of clarity, innocence, and oneness with all, as above so below. Sure, they may be rare but even then they have the power to push you forward, closer to the edge, until one day, you will be ready to take yet another leap of faith.

"There is a light that shines in the darkness which is only visible there." Barbara Brown Taylor

On Treasure

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light." Luke 11:33

Peter told me about his thoughts to adopt another child. His two daughters are grown up and soon they will leave the nest. It is very likely there won't be as much need to look after them as before. And I thought why is it that now, when he can do anything he couldn't in the past, he would rather go back and do it all again. And don't get me wrong, raising a child is a miracle and blessing. Look for the message behind the story though!

It is not very easy to write about what I want to share this week. The topic, treasure, is a beautiful one but it may be a bit radical perspective I am about to share....and quite easily misunderstood in the midst of emotions. I will use this story as an example.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them!

" it fulfills me, gives me a sense of purpose and meaning. And I give them so much as well!" Peter tried to explain the reason behind his decision. 

"So you need them to give you a sense of purpose? You need them to fulfill your needs?" I said. He knew the same happened with his love interest. All he wanted was to look after her, take care of her and when she explained what she really needed, space, he got anxious and old fears creeped in again. 

"If looking after someone, taking care of them is what fulfills you most, then why do you need approval? Or is it your need to get it back that keeps you hopeful of fulfillment?" I said and mostly just talked out loud, saying the things I might need to learn myself too.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them! 

Think about it for a little longer, give it one more moment to unfold in front of your eyes. 

What if we find the treasure that fulfills our existence and then, just then, the need to give it to others arises?

What if we embark upon the journey of searching for that treasure instead of imposing the responsibility for it on others?

What if what we find, what fulfills us, will be a light on the road for others as well?

Wouldn't it be worth to go on that adventure then?

"A child would come to you, again, with a treasure they carry. All children remember their treasures! So the child comes, fulfills you and you unconsciously steal it from them. Sure, you look after the child so inevitable you give back part of that. But think about it, unless you find (remember) yours, you can only take from others. Even though it looks like giving to ordinary sight. And imagine a relationship where two beings who remember and carry their treasures meet!" I continued

"But where is my treasure?" He asked. He asked the most profound question he possibly could.

"I don't know." I said. "But that's where you can start. You have a question, that's more than enough to start with."

Ask yourself this one simple question every day. Make it your habit, your daily routine. And for now, stop there. Don't try to look for the answers, don't analyze, don't blame, don't make excuses. Just ask!

Be comfortable with a question because you may never get your answer. At least not in a way we expect it most of the times. As life is a journey, your answer is in searching, the quest you came here for. You came here so that the God can experience him/herself in your quest. And that treasure will light up like a lamp visible to others, guiding others, nurturing your own soul and God. God depends on you and your quest to be expressed and realized.

So yes, the question is sufficient. Don't worry about the next step unless you take that first one.

The treasure is the gift we receive but it is for others, it liberates others. To liberate ourselves, we need others and their gifts. I thought I walked the Camino to free myself, heal myself. The truth is, I got a gift to free and heal one person that needed it most from me. I needed him because I carried a gift of love and healing for him, I needed him to give it to him. 

And I needed him to walk the Camino for me. He, too, was blessed with a gift there, a gift that freed and healed me back.

The quest you take, the journey of searching, the question you ask is enough to fill you full of love. And the answer will be a gift only those who need it most can recognize and take from you.

                                                Where is my treasure?

On hope

I start feeding the birds as soon as the leaves fall down and leave the branches bare and unwelcoming. It is a part of my morning routine. I feed my birds; birds that don't belong to me but somehow, I feel like I might belong with them at times.

This week however, for the first time, one flew in. I left the balcony door open and suddenly there he was, in my living room. Scared and hurt as he banged into the window trying to escape the unknown. I quickly opened the window and let him out. 

What is the difference between hope and faith? 

Faith is what we have now and hope looks to the future. I like that! I might like it more than other explanations I came across even though I still feel a bit lost trying to define it myself. But hey, here is my story for today.

The bird finally got out and quickly landed on the branch near my window. He was alive, that was good. He made it there but what now? I was not sure he is alright and able to fly. I was worried he might be lost on the other side of this little world he lived in. He was there but didn't move at all.

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light." Isaiah 9:2

Hope is a desire for something good in the future but at the same time it is the reason why it comes to pass. This is where hope and faith overlap.

As joy is the most potent form of love, hope could easily be seen as the most resilient form of love. It teaches us how to resist adversity and won't let us give up on faith we need with every step we take forward.

I couldn't let him go, I had faith in him. I knew he would make it. I also knew how stressful it must have been for him but I had faith. I patiently waited for him to move. I was there standing by the window for almost half an hour.

And suddenly, he jumped on the branch little higher than the one we was on. He jumped, he spread his wings for a little while but he did. And, dear God, my heart jumped with him! This is it! I am his God. If this is how God feels with our courage to take a leap of faith, to move forward no matter how slowly, just to try; if this is how He feels, then this joy is what nourishes our souls, what gives us strength beyond our imagination. 

I had faith in that little bird and hoped he would benefit from his journey into the unknown, from his newly acquired strength and experience.

"There is a hope that burns within my heart, a glimpse of glory and Christ in me."

Hope may provide the path but faith is our compass to walk it.

Hope does anchor the soul (Hebrews 6:19) but the ships are not built to stay in harbors. Faith needs to be fulfilled in a deed, a step we take.

Taking a step forward is faith, the unknown we step into is hope.

On forgiveness

Fill our hearts with light, forgiveness, because what was done, was done, and we carry but a memory of it. May we forgive those whose best was not enough for us and ask for forgiveness in times when our best is not enough for others.

I wanted to write about forgiveness for quite some time but I always ended up writing about something else. Not because there is not enough to write about but because there was always too much to write about it and still too much to learn.

In fact, my whole journey has started with my strong longing to be forgiven. In my posts I have never been that far in the past but for today, it is where I'll start.

He was in all of my prayers, the man I gave my promise to grow old with. Every single one of them! I left. I was the one who packed the suitcase and left but I knew why and he didn't. That's why I prayed. No words or explanations would help him understand but I understood him and loved the heart I broke no matter what. Our paths went in different directions and I sacrificed mine. No, I didn't! I could have walked mine but I was not strong enough at that time to do that, with or without him by my side. So, I prayed every day after I had left and it was the same one sentence over and over again "I want him to be happy!" I don't even know if he was truly happy when we were together...

Three years later, I think I finally forgave myself for leaving. And I think he is happy.

What is forgiveness? A peace of mind, happiness, comfort? Yes, an act of forgiveness offers all of that but also much more. 

Don't get me wrong but I believe that every true act of forgiveness changes something human in us to divine. We grow closer to what our souls would look like if they were visible in this world. And that's why in forgiveness there is much more than just a peace of mind or happiness. 

I asked once what a damnation is and here is the answer I was given, " damnation is our inability to progress." And so asking what stops us from moving forward, what keeps us in the past or stuck is essential.

What keeps us in the past is what we hold on to. It is something we are not willing to release.

A Course in Miracles teaches us that forgiveness is acquired. It is not inherent in the mind, which cannot sin. As sin is an idea we taught ourselves, forgiveness must be learned as well. The unforgiving mind does not believe that giving and receiving are the same. And that perception changes everything.

A week ago, I was asked to take part in a ritual to forgive the mistakes that were done almost a century ago by a generation long forgotten. A friend of mine, turned what was perceived as a sin into love and light. A new generation offered forgiveness, created beauty.

This weekend, after I learned about the mistakes in my family, I offered forgiveness as well. 

A conscious act is required, a step beyond a thought or an intention. That's forgiveness. It does ask something of us whether we ask for forgiveness or want to forgive others.

In my life, I both asked to be forgiven and prayed to be able to forgive. And everytime, what seemed almost impossible to achieve, became a miracle once I did something for it to happen. Forgiveness is a miracle! An awesome miracle you feel in every cell of your body. That's how I felt it everytime. It's almost like a spiritual shot of espresso that kicks you (and not only you) forward.

"I give you to the Holy Spirit as part of myself.

I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself.

In the name of my freedom I choose your release, because I recognize that we will be released together." A Course in Miracles 

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”  

Mark Twain

On heart

                                  "The heart is a candle longing to be lit." Rumi

More than a blood pump, more than just an organ, the heart is a bridge. The bridge between two worlds, connecting mind and matter, wisdom from our home above and love from our home here, Earth. 

In that sense, living from the heart is living from the very centre of who we are as human beings, beings carrying the divine light, finding their way in the darkness of limitations.

The question is not whether we have that light within, the question is how we can walk in it and what it truly means for us and others.

Let's stay with the image of a bridge for a while. What meets there, in the heart, is of different nature obviously. However, at one point, one merges into another like rivers do when they reach the ocean. Something new is created and it holds qualities of both for a while. The key then is to keep it balanced, in harmony.

Imagination, intuition, inspiration, and intellect meet emotions, needs, desires, and instincts in the heart.

The world of the higher three chakras meets the world of the lower three chakras in the heart.

One without the other can't create and one is neither superior nor inferior to the other.

We were sitting on the top of the hill overlooking the sleepy water dam. The grass was dry and golden as were all the leaves in the woods we passed on the way there. It was one of the last warm autumn moments before the coming of gray and cold days. But that day, it was still warm enough to stay there, outside, taking in the smells and colours of the country around and below us. Our breaths were one with the stillness of the water and leaves fallen recently. "It could easily be enough to learn only about love for the rest of your life." I said. "It might take more than a lifetime though." He replied. "Maybe even one thousand lifetimes. I take it!" I added and we smiled. We saw one face of love in each other yet decided to open up to all those others there could be.

And the air was still filled with the scent of myrrh burning in his little coal holder.

There are as many ways to your heart as rays of the sun. Be curious and never cease to find your way and light. Sometimes, some steps might be just as easy as taking in what was there for us on that hill.

Here is what I find useful on my way...

Meditation, a practice of focus, concentration, and close examination of what is (be it a thought or an emotion). 

Mindfulness, a practice of awareness, being present wherever you are and in whatever you are doing. Showing up authentic helps as well!

Love, being a lifelong student of love. The love that turns into an endless source of knowledge, wisdom and inspiration, understanding of who you are and why you are here, the force of life.

"The only thing you regret in the end is falling for someone's definition of love instead of exploring its infinite potential. " Camino Called Life

On curiosity

There is a very thin line between fear and curiosity. It goes both ways and it can either deplete our souls or nourish them tremendously!

And ultimately, curiousity will never fail you!

"Curiosity will conquer fear more than bravery will." James Stephens

Curiosity is willingness to look beyond, to overlook the primal fears and restrictions. It asks for your full presence and it opens your heart and senses to what could lie behind; all the possibilities.

In the last two days, I was able to experience that thin line between fear and curiosity and how it affects everything in me. And it beautifully worked both ways as I described earlier.

On Friday, a friend unintentionally brought forth the fears within me with what was harmless question in the beginning. A simple statement that I was curious about but without the chance to get the answers right away, I let my mind slip and create a fearful experience out of it. It took over and I reacted overly emotional to something what never happened. 

And today, I found myself in another situation, potentially fearful, and before acting upon it, I spent some time meditating on what is it I could learn from it. I managed to remove myself from the situation, as if not taking any result personally, as if it was a lesson to learn from. A few minutes later, curiosity led me forth towards new discoveries. 

Cultivating curiosity, however, we need to get rid of the need to get the results or have our expectations met. 

There is one lesson in daring itself, and another one in what is discovered. And it is good to practice mindfulness to be aware of them both. It is good to remember the process as much as the result is always good in its core. And that's, I believe, what conquers the fear!

"This is my life. It is my one time to be me. I want to experience every good thing."

Maya Angelou

On Ego

I have started a brand new notebook today and the first words I wrote down were

Finally, you are here! The whole world has been waiting for you to come.

Those were the words I heard from my good friend and therapist and made me realize something very profound, something I didn't hear for the first time but I "successfully" ignored until now.

It wasn't until I wrote my book from journey that I realized fully all the lessons I learned there. Each day there was something new to learn and when I was writing it in a book I saw it clearly. However, one very crucial lesson was there, unseen to me yet interwoven in each day on my camino.

"You always say we, us, our. I want to know where YOU are." Said my friend when she finished reading my book. And my first reaction was rejection, as usual. But she made it clear and I was forced to face it one more time.

This beautiful, wild, and perfect universe made it possible for me to come into the time and place that is buzzing with transformation. Physical material world is no longer enough and we learn to see and grow beyond the form. And here I came to learn my lesson about the ego and the physical.

See the ego as the grain of sand that enables the oyster to create the pearl.

All spiritual teachings strive for the balance, harmony, and return to unity and oneness. How come there is a part of our uniqueness and oneness that we try to overcome, defy, and don't seem to accept as a part of the divine plan and masterpiece?

Ego, after all, is what makes us human in the first place.

In my story, that little part of me got hurt and wounded along the way; a little child scared and full of doubts and insecurities hiding inside of me. And instead of love and care I could give it, I turned away and rejected it. 

Little did I know I was turning away from the little sun within; the sun that can cast the light on gifts and talents, the sun that dispels all shadows and faults.

"Healthy ego can express its talents and creations without fear of how it will be received. It does not need to boast or convince others of its worth, it creates for the pure joy of expression, like a child." (From an article on partneryoga.net)

Not only was I made with love, I was made of love. How silly it is to think there is a fault and lack in such creation!