The journey of a hero

A whole year has passed again and came to a full circle; and tomorrow the same old year will start, same in a new way again.

I never really believed in New Years but I have to admit there is something about it, about a new start with all that banging and bright lights around, something that forces you to wake up in the middle of a long winter night, wake up and steer your life in a brand new direction, or keep the course and keep on walking.

Today I felt a deep urge to write again. I wish it came from a place of joy and happiness but this time it comes with a long and heavy veil of deep sadness. 

The story, however, always comes to a full circle, and it starts and ends in love. In fact, love is there all along, never ending. Everything there is, is made of love. And I try to never forget that, no matter how it appears to be on the outside.

I met the love of my life, I got married, we bought the house that became our home and planted the roses to grow with us for the years to come. We danced naked, we cried, we laughed through those tears, we cook, we walk in the moonlight, swam with the seals, hold each other in sorrow, pain and anger and we fall asleep together. 

And we do all that with love and passion, with the force, full of life and intensity.

Our love taught me how much human beings crave connection and unity on this heroic journey through life. 

That's what we remember from the Home and that's what makes us feel safe here as well.

And then I experienced incredibly painful loss. I lost our first baby just eight weeks after we found out. I know we didn't lose the soul that comes to our lives but I lost the connection, the promise of home that came with it. My body healed, my heart grows stronger but still feels that pain. And in that pain I forgot I can't do it on my own.

The journey of a hero is never a lonely journey. For two months I hardly ever mentioned my sadness and grief because I desperately wanted to forget and resume the "normal" state. Yet whatever I did, every now and then, the pain made itself present, made sure I would not forget it is there. And I don't have to tell you that pain hurts more when you try to ignore it.

My soul was, my heart were crying for the loss and I ignored them as much as I could, the fear and frustration creeped in and I learned what it means to scream in anger. And yes, I even hated myself and my body for a moment. I felt sorry for myself, I cried, I pretended, shouted and again hated myself for not being able to heal and cope fast enough. 

And day after day I was losing the fight, getting weaker and more tired and didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I knew I couldn't win the fight...alone!

I wish I knew at least one person who has been through the same, I wish someone would tell me that it hurts for such a long time. I wish I didn't have to punish myself for feeling the connection that was there for those eight weeks.

I wish I didn't pretend and felt safe enough to grief openly as long as I needed. I could have avoided the confusion I created within and around me. 

My friend once told me that if we were meant to go through it all alone, we all would be given a separate planet to live on! Surely the space is big enough to provide that!

But no, we squeeze in here, having to learn to go through it together. Because even though separated by our bodies, we all crave the connection, remembering the Home of oneness. 

My husband has the most loving eyes I have ever seen and when I look at him in silence, my own start filling with tears of gratitude...if I keep ignoring the pain that is in my life now, if I withdraw and separate, how much connection do I offer and leave? What if, what if he craves the same after all?!

I can't go through it on my own anymore and I know love is still there even though it's hard to see from time to time. And I have those eyes, his arms and whole wide world to hold on to in my grief. I forgot I never needed to get back to normal, I never needed myself back because I was never lost, just sad.

The day I went to the hospital, few moments before, I was laying on the floor in our bathroom in excruciating pain saying to myself and baby that I release him now, that it can go if he has to.

The day I came back from the hospital, the same day when people remember their deceased loved ones, I stopped to light a candle and all I could say at that moment, the only words that came out were "Thank you!".

And now I am grateful again looking into my husband's eyes and feeling the smile on my face. All is made of love, and it always has been!

The only sin and the only reason to die

"Can you be just happy?! Happy to death, literally! To say one day that you died of happiness!"

Start anew, happy, and let yourself die 

a little everytime 

sadness and fears come, get through

the cracks of your brokenness and frailty;

Die a little

Be born again,

happy and without past!

Was the death on the cross so small

that you chose to sin 

against yourself anyway?

Just be fucking happy!

And if it upsets the world, well done!

You needed that slap in the face 

once too.

Why do you want something

you already have,

and don't want something

that is not!

On Diving in

"You see, Vladka, the truths are nothing unless you can apply them." He told me. He didn't even know all the details of what I was going through and yet, he totally nailed it! All that I had been working on for three years, I mastered. But I was the master of a theory and that's not enough, that's not why we came here in the first place. Mastering the theory is like remembering the truth but we came here to experience it, to choose it and be it! We know it all already anyway, just forgot it for a while.

"You don't manifest what you want, you manifest what you are." 

A whole lot has been written and said about the art of manifestation and creation. Steps are easy to find, easy to follow. Be clear, set the intention, feel it, believe it, chill...and finally?! Accept and choose your choice and creation! 

All that before, from being clear about your goal to letting it go, is actually just a theory even though it requires hard work. The beingness of it comes with willingness to accept your own creation, the choice to be it despite the opposition and despite your own past self.

Testing the waters is safe, it can give us confidence and partial experience but it can only serve us partially as well. Jumping in the water is a full experience, diving into it is a full experience and yes, it is risky. We totally risk getting what we wanted all the time! It is a difference between recognising the spark inside yourself and seeing it as a seed of God, and knowing yourself as God, it is a difference between seeking the love outside, and being the love with its infinite potential.

Strive for the truth! The same message again. I asked again and again what the truth I should be striving for is and I expected yet another piece of information to follow, a piece of universal wisdom or knowledge to memorize. 

The truth, however, goes beyond knowingness. It is in being, in choice and most importantly in a choice to accept, dive in, and be...transformed once again!

On drawing the line

The beaches of North Norfolk are stunning! Wild and enchanting with cold, harsh winds blowing from the sea, playing with the tall grass in tune with the songs of birds nesting in the marshes! 

And at the same time, that same beauty is in a constant "danger" of slowly disappearing in the sea with every high tide that takes the sand and dunes away.

That's life though! And the proof that it is still alive, the world we live in, no matter how constant it may appear.

How often have I talked and written about the necessity to leave something behind in order to be able to reach out for something new. How often was I put in a situation where I needed to leave something behind, let go, and move on. And how often have I refused to burn the bridges just because...

...well, the truth I realized today is that I didn't burn the bridges in the past because I wanted a way back, just in case, an escape button for my life, maybe I wanted to be "a good girl" for everyone, for those I left behind as well as for all those I was just about to meet and greet in my life. 

I could say I was a chronic "people pleaser", a coward who hides behind a smile and friendliness even though my intention was just not to hurt anyone around. That intention was there always, that's how much I know for sure! 

However, what I forgot was the fact that it's not only dishonest but keeps me stuck and defined by my past.

It was on one of those beach walks when I thought about all that sand taken away. We grieve for it being taken away and we even try to stop that but there is a new island somewhere else being formed at the same time! 

Nothing in the nature disappears! And nothing is the same as it was before so why do we keep defining ourselves by who we were in the past?!

A wise elder lady told me today that I can't have love I desire and fear it at the same time.

I simply have to choose one! I have to choose one and act accordingly. 

"Make up your mind", she said, with a gentle smile on her face and firmness in her voice! She was clear about that, there was nothing to discuss.

So what do you choose when you finally face your dream, when you are no longer settling for less than you deserve? Are you willing to burn the bridges with the past, close the doors behind painful experiences, and forget the image you had about yourself in the past?! What is the real price you would have to pay? What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could happen? 

What would love do now? 

There comes a moment when being ready is simply not enough any more, a step forward has to be taken! A step forward, leaving the bridges and doors behind! Have faith, there was a new island being formed for you all along the way, you just need to leave the beach behind.

On the past

We like to think the past holds us hostage but the truth is, it is us who hold on to it because it is the only familiar thing we can relate to.

And then, when we come to face a new experience in our lives, we stand in front of the decision to react to it and do as we did before or create something new. 

And this is true with our dreams as well as fears!

Sometimes, we subconsciously sabotage a new experience by choosing the same reactions, assumptions, and stories we experienced before. We basically decide to experience the same just to prove we "know" the life we live, to feel in control no matter how sick and weird such choice is.

And why is it a sick and weird choice? Well, because we choose to punish ourselves just to prove we know the answer to the question of life.

Paolo Coelho wrote in one of his books that when we get very close to reaching our dream, we have a tendency to self-sabotage it.

How?

Simply by acknowledging the wounds we have as more real than the light that shines through us!

The wounds, the experience I had in the past was so intense that tried to push it away,  hoping I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was somehow hoping it would go away but simply ignoring it and focusing on the bright side of the life as much as I could. And it worked!

...for a while!

It worked until I was ready (and probably strong enough) to face it and hopefully choose again, create something new in my life or repeat and react in the way I did before.

What did you learn?

How well do you remember who you truly are in the face of your fears and wounds?

How much are you dedicated to creation (in contrary to reaction)?

I heard my soul asking me these questions again and again over these last few days. Persistently but with a gentle patience and loving kindness as my soul always does.

I was hurt in the past, for a while I decided I can't trust anyone and so abandoned love completely. For a while... and I blamed everyone, including myself for all the pain and loss. For a while I wanted to play the role of a victim. 

But it all lasted just for a while!

But how do we really know we are ready to move on and create instead of react?

Well, we know that when we are given another opportunity to choose and decide which way to want to go this time. 

I knew that when my dreams started to take on! It was relatively easy while they were still young and "formless". I was still in control and didn't feel the need to choose one way only I suppose. 

I needed an earthquake to come to my senses to choose consciously!

I saw myself punishing myself, pushing the new choice and new experience away from me, sabotaging my dream just because I knew how to react to pain already. 

But maybe, just maybe, I can learn how to react to love this time! At least that's what I choose today!

And for a while, just for a while I need to forget what I had learned before.

On acceptance

I have skipped a week, last Sunday I didn't write anything even though the thoughts in my head literally took over. It was just too busy in there I suppose to write down anything substantial.

Well, days like that happen too and the only thing I can do, the only thing I could do at that moment was to accept it as it was and is.

Is that a failure? I saw it like that for a while. I saw it as me failing to follow through with my commitment to write regularly. But that perception lasted just a little while. A little while until I realized and remembered I did my best at that moment! Maybe I would do things differently now but then, at that moment I did all I could.

If you have read the book called Four Agreements then you may remember but that one of them is "do you best".

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy and when you are sick. Under any circumstances simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret."

Over the last two weeks I had to remind myself how much work I have done so far, remember that, no matter how difficult times were, how challenging and tiring the journey is sometimes. Old fears and insecurities came to the surface once more and I could choose to create anew or react like I did before. React like I did when it was all I could do and it was my best then! I always did my best. I am who I am as a result of that and all I can do now, right now, is to accept it, accept myself! Am I englightened? Perfect? Finished piece of work? Certainly not! But I know now, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, with all the imperfections and wounds to teach me about acceptance. And every time I make a conscious choice to accept myself as I am at any moment, I am closer to accepting others as well. It simply doesn't work the other way round!

Love thrives in a sanctuary called acceptance!

And where does it all start? It is not knowing, not understanding, or enjoying someone that is the starting point! It all starts with acceptance. And we all can start right where we are with the person closest to us, ourselves!

Dear God, please help me to believe the truth about myself...no matter how beautiful it is." Macrina Wiederkehr

On paradox

Do you have a bad day, feel frustrated, fed up or hopeless? Try this, feel good and watch what happens!

I think it is so important I even put it on a card I carry in my bag wherever I go.

How to do that? How to simply feel good? I suggest just stop doing whatever you are as it obviously does not help. Stop and do anything, anything else that would change the way you feel! Don't be too selective, don't overanalyze, just do something else and focus on that for a while.

And try this also when you are frantically looking for something you have lost, longing for something you desire, or trying to let go of something you don't want anymore in your life.

In one of my favorite films there is a scene where one of the characters explains her desire to find a ladybug as a child. Maybe you have seen the film, Under the Tuscan Sun. After a while she was so tired she just gave up and fell asleep in the grass. And when she woke up, ladybugs were crawling all over her!

To get what you want you might need to give up first!

The ladybug landed on my hand this week! It is winter, cold and freezing almost every day but somehow someway she made it to remind me of the scene, she reminded me to stop obsessing over what I want most! 

Oh and I know how difficult it is to break that pattern, to stop the tape in your mind, to let go of your control.

Because that's it, exactly, let go of your control! You can't truly let go unless you admit there is a higher power taking care of it all on your behalf when you can't see the way out from your limited perspective, missing the bigger picture.

This week I learned something new as well! I found out that similar "approach" is also a popular practice among the Buddhist monks. It is called Koan. It can be a story, a statement, or a question that can't be understood logically. 

Gretchen Rubin gives several great examples of koans on her blog, examples that are not necessarily of Zen origin but serve the same purpose.

And why do I mention koans in my post on a paradox? Well, isn't it all about a paradox that defies the logic and yet we all somehow suspect the grain of truth hides inside (or shall I say a pearl of truth?)? 

Isn't the Divine timing perfect after all to teach me about koans on the day I decided to write about a paradox, during the week I struggled with my obsessive way finding and problem solving?

So once again, feel good and watch what happens, especially when you feel like shit! Yes, so bad! It goes against the logic and that's the point after all!

And if you feel like you might use some other "koans" to unplug, try to meditate over one of these. There is no particular order or importance. Just pick one that speaks to you when you are stuck and give it your attention for a while...and watch what happens!

Let go of what you desire most

You don't manifest what you want, you manifest what you are

Give that which you lack

Want what you have and you will have what you want

In my weakness my strength lies 

On readiness

"When fear makes your choices for you, no security measures on earth will keep the things you dread from finding you. But if you can avoid avoidance - if you can choose to embrace experiences out of passion, enthusiasm, and a readiness to feel whatever arises - then nothing, nothing in all this dangerous world, can keep you from being safe." Martha Beck

Think about what readiness actually is. You can think of it as a state of being fully prepared for something or...willingness to do something. Way too often we get stuck with the first one and wait until we are fully prepared. It surely starts there but it's not the end.

I think it is easier to think about it like that, and wait. It is easier because waiting is easier, seemingly safer.

Over the last three years I have studied various teachings, read many wonderful books, attended workshops, seminars, underwent therapies to uncover and clear old patterns, learn new ways, know myself. I even packed my backpack and walked across Spain. 

I did all that truly believing I was not ready.

I did all that and every single time I waited for the results of some kind. 

I thought that's the way it always works. You do something and get results, something changes.

It actually works that way quite often....but 

It worked only as long as it could. 

In the beginning, you search and study and all that connects you to yourself. You remember who you are, your gifts, talents, passions, purpose, and your power. The communication between you and You becomes stronger and clearer. All that search and study gets you there but then, from there the road changes!

From there, you bend the rules that worked for you for so long! You bend them because you were the one who made them in the first place.

From there, you have to acknowledge your readiness, make a choice and then do what is necessary.

You were always ready! You are always ready but to be able (and willing) to accept that, taking the road of remembering is essential. On that road, you learn to understand the gifts humility, responsibility, and authentic power. 

Time serves your experience. As long as you need more time to recognize and use the experience, it will be given to you. 

Time bends at the curve!

When you accept the fact that you are ready to chose experience, choose to be what you need to experience and be the source for others of that experience, the road changes, time becomes irrelevant and bends. 

"If you are seeking, seek us with joy 

For we live in the kingdom of joy. 

Do not give your heart to anything else 

But to the love of those who are clear joy, 

Do not stray into the neighborhood of despair. 

For there are hopes: they are real, they exist – 

Do not go in the direction of darkness – 

I tell you: suns exist."

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi 

Are you willing to accept you might be ready as you are? 

Are you ready to be the one who chooses?

What is it you wish to experience now? What is it you want the world around you to experience through you? You are ready, you have always been, my friendly soul.

On vulnerability

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.

Thich Nhat Hanh

How much are you comfortable in your body, in your skin, with your thoughts or feeling your feelings when they arise? How much honesty is enough? How much do you let others see/know you? How much are you in love with yourself? And maybe you don't even think it is safe or right to love yourself, to be yourself, open and honest, because people could judge you or misunderstand your intentions, what's worse, you could be rejected! 

And so, you can choose to conform.

You may have already heard that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience but spiritual beings have a temporary human experience. If you believe that than you have to believe we are all one in our essence. We came from the One and carry a memory of it in our hearts and the moment we are born into the world that teaches us through separation and duality, all we strive for is belonging!

We may think that conforming to what others want is a way to such experience of belonging but I think it takes us too far from that in fact. 

First of all, we can never know for sure what the other person wants or desires. Second, others may not know clearly what they want and can change it at any moment. Thirdly, choosing to conform we move even farther from the memory of oneness we had when we were born because we turn our attention from what is inside of us to what is in the outer world and we let ourselves be led by our assumptions only.

Conformity seems safer but we get numb and forget, vulnerability is risky but it is a way to remember.

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” Brene Brown

I got a clear message, Strive for Truth, and I knew I had to listen to it in order to heal. Seeing the same message twice in a short time brought me a relief but at the same time a painful question what the truth actually is!

So I asked for help, guidance and answers. Gary Zukav wrote in his book The Seat of Soul that everytime you ask for an answer, it will come. Always! Though not always in a form you expect. 

My answer came as well but certainly not in a form I expected. I asked a question, I used the words but the answer came in the form of my own will and actions. How strange, I know!

My intention and feeling were aligned and very clear, I wanted to know the truth, follow it and understand it! But I didn't know the way.

Sometimes not knowing anything makes you a better student, more willing let the Divine take the lead, more open to opportunities and transformation, more eager to explore, and more likely to discover.

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." Brene Brown

And so what was the answer I received? I found it coming from within. It comes again and again and it is always my choice to recognize and accept it. It can be an honest answer I choose to give, a decision not to react from fear or anger but with patience or compassion, it is acknowledging that I, too, can be scared and afraid but not having to be paralyzed by it. Today, it was saying enough when I had enough, but not with anger. Yesterday, it was saying I love you when I knew I wouldn't get the same response. I didn't say enough because I didn't want to deal with the other person, I said it because I knew I wouldn't be true if it continued. I didn't say I love you to get the same response, to get approval, but because I knew it is true and the other person deserves it.

And this is important, I believe, be yourself, be authentic, learn what it means for you to be authentic today and what it will mean tomorrow. It can change, you can change, it is natural and it is life. In accepting uncertainty your freedom lies.

But behind it all, always remember that memory, the memory of oneness you came from, the memory that is your primal drive and force striving for connection with others (and yourself). With that memory in mind and in heart, don't surrender to illusions, fears. Do your best now to do what love would do. And then tomorrow, do your best again, with love. 

Being vulnerable is like building a bridge over the river. It is a hard work, it is risky. The rain and strong wind may struck you down many times, you may end up in cold waters, even break your bones but you know there is plenty of sunshine as well, and beautiful rainbows and butterflies and birds and the other side of the river! And most of all you know it is not about something on that other side that you long for, it is that connection that you want to experience, building the bridge. Because sometimes we have others on "our side of the river" but still feel disconnected from them.

Pick a good attitude! You may get others to start building on the other side to meet you in between! 

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing 
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there." Rumi

On Giving

Give and then give more, and more. Give like a passionate addict, an addict to the process of filling the world with love! Like you can never get enough of giving from the well that has no bottom. 

I started this year with one of my creative projects, painting. When I paint, I never know what the result will be. I just start and paint until it's done. I don't leave the paintings unfinished and I always give it a freedom to unveil its essence in front of my eyes. It is, by far, the most intense prayer and mediation I can experience. The energy stored inside is released and transformed into something beautiful. And I let the form create itself!

It was no different this time. 

The evening fell on the city and covered it with its quietness and stillness, fluffy snowflakes gently falling down on the frozen ground, and I took out my paints and brushes from the old wooden box. The light of a candle lit the room and I could safely dive into the waters of colors and emotions. The dog was snoring tugged in my bed and peace filled my mind and heart. I was ready to start.

Why is giving so important, why does it matter so much?! Well, because in giving the ultimate creation lies. There is no other way, no shortcut to a conscious and beautiful world than through giving.

Giving is a key to forgiving. Forgiving is a way to compassion and that's where a Christ-like consciousness is born!

Dr. Wayne Dyer said that the highest purpose is about giving yourself unconditionally and accepting what comes back with love even if what comes back is not what you had anticipated.

A couple hours later my painting was finished. The story of a starry night somewhere up in the mountains, late summer, and a house standing there all alone...filled with light.

I was looking at it and saw my dream come true right there in front of me. The Home of Light was born in my heart, manifested in reality, and I couldn't wait to put it up on one of my walls.

But it was not meant to be my home only!

Neale Donald Walsch says again and again Be the Source, give that which you want to have.

I took a photo of my painting and as usual, shared it with my good friend. Few moments later he replied asking me to take a better photo so that he can print it out and put on his wall. He loved it and I knew at that moment why I was painting it in the first place! 

I really wanted to keep it but at that moment I knew giving it away would make me even happier. I don't need to keep it, it came from within me, that Home of Light was always in my heart, I just wanted to see it for a while and now it will travel to where it is needed more.

Now, it will travel to where it was needed from the very beginning.

Just your honest intention to give is enough! The right people and situations will come to your life immediately, people and situations in which exactly that which you are able to give is needed. Maybe you don't know now what it is you can give, maybe you even think you don't have enough but the truth is there is always something we have what someone else needs, be it a smile, kind words, a flower, right book, appreciation, silent prayer, acceptance, understanding, money to get by or a free ticket to the museum.

Just your intention to give is enough, then all you need to do is act upon any intuitive impulse you have that has a potential to make someone happy. You will be guided, trust the process!

Try it, meet and greet everyone with some sort of a gift, try it for a day and see how rich that little shift makes you feel. Start your week in the grand manner.

And I shouldn't forget to mention one more thing, don't expect gratitude, acknowledgment, recognition or anything in return.

Giving and receiving are inseparable so be open to receive and rest assured there will be plenty but don't limit the divine by setting up your expectations on what it is you are open to receive. Detachment is the result of abundance consciousness!

On Light

"Well we all shine on

Like the moon and the stars and the sun

Yeah we all shine on

On and on and on on and on." John Lennon

On a quiet Saturday morning I took my cup of tea and as usual started flipping through the newspapers and magazines. It is the beginning of a new year, the so called "season of light" despite the fact that days are rather short and nights darker than ever. I wondered why it is called the season of light then! Well, maybe because, as Barbara Brown Taylor writes in one of her books, "there is a light that is only visible in the darkness". 

During one of mediations this week I had a rather "ordinary" thought of what or who I really am. This time, however, it was more about the physical body. 

Our bodies are too dense to expect the light can actually come through, I thought. So we would naturally expect to find the darkness inside. And that might be true to our physical sight. Yet in my meditation I saw the light inside, dwelling in what might be perceived as a darkness.

As I was reading through the papers, I came across a beautiful article. The title, Let's shine with the Year of Light", was enough to grab my attention. And even more did one short paragraph there.

"Our fascination with light never fades and it can come in a form of a rainbow, for example. It is a simple physical law called the refraction of light. The rain drops on their way to Earth meet the light and what we see is a rainbow." (From the SME newspaper)

The International Year of Light is more of a scientific thing than a spiritual one, of course. However, I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw the metaphor of it!

The rain drops on their way to Earth meet the light and we get all those little, special parts of light called colors.

The Light, our essence, on its way to Earth meets the matter, water and flesh, so that it can experience and recognize its little special parts; all the aspects of divinity, love.

We all are a part of such rainbow! Some choose to experience the red, some blue, others green spectrum of it. None is more important or better, just special in its own way. Slower or faster in its vibration but still part of the same light.

And what if I told you that you can choose which special part you want to be now? What if it is not bound to be just one you might have already experienced? What if you can choose again, not better or wiser, just again!

"Don't forget, you can change anything you want. You are not what you have learned to be," said Manuel with the last hug and a gentle kiss on my cheek that morning. My eyes were filled with tears and my heart with love and hope. What he said that morning has stayed with me every day since then: the little insignificant act of love, the seed of change watered and slowly growing within. Camino Called Life

On Choice

There are three dreams of mine that tested my patience and perserverance. I thought I was very clear in my intention but there was clearly something that kept me from living those dreams.

I don't want to write only about the law of attraction or manifestations. Sure, there is a connection but also much more important lesson I was blessed to learn along the way. 

What is so important is what brought light into my journey recently, something that I could say have made a difference in my life this recent year.

"Your words today and all this reminds me of what you wrote on the little
note you wrote for me, the one I carried with me on the Camino and still have in my wallet now, the one with the sentence that reminds
me that "you can walk towards love" again and again each day. This is a choice we make when we say "yes" He wrote me in a message.

Love never ceases! And you can choose to walk towards it, spread it no matter what, if the other person wants to join you or not! 

"It is impossible to conceive of light and darkness or everything and nothing as joint possibilities. It is essential that you realize that your thinking will be erratic until a firm commitment to one or the other is made.

Whenever light enters darkness, the darkness is abolished.

You prefer to believe that your thoughts cannot exert real influence because you are actually afraid of them. There are no idle thoughts. All thinking produces form at some level." A Course in Miracles

My dreams could not manifest because there is something even more powerful than the thought we hold. It is the feeling! And if those two, intent and feeling, are not in alignment, feeling creates!

I couldn't experience what I desired most because deep down there were the feelings of guilt, frustrations, and fear. And it took me a couple years to dig deep enough to become aware of what was actually creating my reality and experience. All those years I chose to experience confusion and fear.

Would I change all that? No! Now I can choose to experience and create consciously instead of creating abundantly but without awareness and control. Now I can choose to be harmony, joy, and inspiration because time is relative and your dream comes true the moment you embody it fully!

"Both miracles and fear come from thoughts." A Course in Miracles

It is not only about manifesting your dreams. It is about the choice you make in life, the choice to believe in love or fear. And what you choose is what you share with the world, it is what others see in you but also what you see in others and strengthen in them as well.

"Everyone can answer for themselves whether wanting a better life makes what already is better. Make a wish and watch your own state and your own emotions. Does it make you feel at peace? Does it feel like you want to shout into the world, "thank you dear God, thank you!”? 

You have just got it if it does!

Gratitude isn't about settling. In fact, never settle. Be amazed, always. But stop wanting. The whole world wants so much that it creates the energy of not having enough when there is plenty!

So ask, enjoy the joy you brought into the world at this moment, and move on with whatever you do or have." Camino Called Life

Have a wonderful new year and if you do want to make a wish, take your time to feel it in your heart and instead of waiting for it, be grateful and shower those around you with love!

...just because you are blessed already!

On Home

There was a time in my life when I was left homeless, literally! One summer I was flying back "home" just to find my whole life in a few boxes. It hurt! It did but at the same time, it was just a little scratch compared to another moment much later when I woke up in the middle of the night.

In my bed, I suddenly felt that overwhelming sadness welling up from the very core of my being. For that moment, too brief to be measured, I was drowning in the darkness and deep realization was at the bottom.

What I am looking for, the One I am missing so deeply can't be found here in this world. 

And for the first and only time in my life I was really homesick.

That emptiness, aloneness, abandonment was filled many weeks later when unexpectedly a wave of unconditional love penetrated every single cell of my body and my soul remembered...for a brief moment only but it was enough to remember my way home.

"That morning in a beautiful hotel room when I collapsed, when all the pain from my aimless wandering, illusion and dirt came out, it was then when she looked at me. She looked at me, heartbroken and betrayed with tears rolling down her cheeks and she picked me up." He said.

"Come on, let's go! It's going to be ok. I love you!" She said and took him by his hand.

"That day, that morning in that beautiful hotel room when I collapsed I saw Christ in her eyes." He continued.

"Something in your eyes and your expression...it felt like home." She heard again much later.

                            "Home is where one starts from." T.S.Eliot

Christ is born in the void and it is grace itself which makes the void. "So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." (T.S.Eliot) And where there was a wasteland, a new home is built for others to find comfort in, to remember the way.

The home I seek is in everyone, I just forgot to look for it there. Eyes of others are our waymark back home. The home I seek is in me and you, in every one of us. We just forgot it mirrors in the eyes we look into in every encounter. The same eyes that reflect our own image.

"As I looked at each person, my self shone forth from their eyes. How did I get into all these bodies? I wondered." D.R.Hawkins

(Spirit house from lilichristensen.com)

 

On the void

"When I asked you before some lessons you had become aware of, they were answered in your writing.  I think you experienced and described some spiritual truths perfectly." He told me after reading my book. 

"They weren't lost on me. You didn't mention if you found out your purpose." He added after a while but I left it there. Something like that should be easy to answer, I thought.

"Many people who are going through the early stages of the awakening process are no longer certain what their outer purpose is. What drives the world no longer drives them. Seeing the madness of our civilization so clearly, they may feel somewhat alienated from the culture around them. Some feel that they inhabit a no-man’s-land between two worlds. They are no longer run by the ego, yet the arising awareness has not yet become fully integrated into their lives. Inner and outer purpose have not merged." E.Tolle

Why is the third advent candle pink? Why is the third advent Sunday about joy when we still have to wait for the light to be born into the world? 

Someone told me once that there is an answer hidden in a good question and this seems to be just another example of that as well. We need to be reminded of joy and light when the darkness is most present in our lives, when we still have to wait for the light to be born, when it feels like there is no end to the tunnel we are going through. That's the time we need the joy, the memory of the light most of all.

"Being the character of your own movie, you may easily miss the bigger picture of the story unfolding around you. Life is a constant change but it is not just some random, unpredictable transformation. It is more of an evolution, a process. Thoughts, understanding, and feelings were slowly changing and evolving within me and it was just a matter of time until I would be ready to take the step into a new chapter, walk through another door, and experience a breath of fresh air again. But that single step is usually the most difficult one, the step just before we reach the handle of the new door, the moment when we are left with empty open hands, vulnerable, and in flux. The good thing about being in such a situation is that if you are alert enough you can actually witness the incredible way in which the world has opened up for you and works for you." Camino Called Life

It does not feel comfortable when one has to experience the void. It literally strips off every layer left from the world you are leaving and for a while it leaves you naked, vulnerable and innocent again. For a moment you may feel like you want to keep just a bit of what worked before, just enough to make it through, just enough to feel like you can still belong somewhere. 

You are being born again and just like a new born baby, your innate need to belong somewhere drives you to do whatever it takes to belong. 

The first problem in this birth is that your parents are within yourself, the only guide and teacher you can rely on and follow. You need to learn their names and trust them.

The second problem is that you still remember your life before and that means a lot of unlearning to be done.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

But even there, in the void, is something incredibly precious, something why it all makes senses, something what can't be found anywhere else. These are the rare moments of clarity, innocence, and oneness with all, as above so below. Sure, they may be rare but even then they have the power to push you forward, closer to the edge, until one day, you will be ready to take yet another leap of faith.

"There is a light that shines in the darkness which is only visible there." Barbara Brown Taylor

On Treasure

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light." Luke 11:33

Peter told me about his thoughts to adopt another child. His two daughters are grown up and soon they will leave the nest. It is very likely there won't be as much need to look after them as before. And I thought why is it that now, when he can do anything he couldn't in the past, he would rather go back and do it all again. And don't get me wrong, raising a child is a miracle and blessing. Look for the message behind the story though!

It is not very easy to write about what I want to share this week. The topic, treasure, is a beautiful one but it may be a bit radical perspective I am about to share....and quite easily misunderstood in the midst of emotions. I will use this story as an example.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them!

" it fulfills me, gives me a sense of purpose and meaning. And I give them so much as well!" Peter tried to explain the reason behind his decision. 

"So you need them to give you a sense of purpose? You need them to fulfill your needs?" I said. He knew the same happened with his love interest. All he wanted was to look after her, take care of her and when she explained what she really needed, space, he got anxious and old fears creeped in again. 

"If looking after someone, taking care of them is what fulfills you most, then why do you need approval? Or is it your need to get it back that keeps you hopeful of fulfillment?" I said and mostly just talked out loud, saying the things I might need to learn myself too.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them! 

Think about it for a little longer, give it one more moment to unfold in front of your eyes. 

What if we find the treasure that fulfills our existence and then, just then, the need to give it to others arises?

What if we embark upon the journey of searching for that treasure instead of imposing the responsibility for it on others?

What if what we find, what fulfills us, will be a light on the road for others as well?

Wouldn't it be worth to go on that adventure then?

"A child would come to you, again, with a treasure they carry. All children remember their treasures! So the child comes, fulfills you and you unconsciously steal it from them. Sure, you look after the child so inevitable you give back part of that. But think about it, unless you find (remember) yours, you can only take from others. Even though it looks like giving to ordinary sight. And imagine a relationship where two beings who remember and carry their treasures meet!" I continued

"But where is my treasure?" He asked. He asked the most profound question he possibly could.

"I don't know." I said. "But that's where you can start. You have a question, that's more than enough to start with."

Ask yourself this one simple question every day. Make it your habit, your daily routine. And for now, stop there. Don't try to look for the answers, don't analyze, don't blame, don't make excuses. Just ask!

Be comfortable with a question because you may never get your answer. At least not in a way we expect it most of the times. As life is a journey, your answer is in searching, the quest you came here for. You came here so that the God can experience him/herself in your quest. And that treasure will light up like a lamp visible to others, guiding others, nurturing your own soul and God. God depends on you and your quest to be expressed and realized.

So yes, the question is sufficient. Don't worry about the next step unless you take that first one.

The treasure is the gift we receive but it is for others, it liberates others. To liberate ourselves, we need others and their gifts. I thought I walked the Camino to free myself, heal myself. The truth is, I got a gift to free and heal one person that needed it most from me. I needed him because I carried a gift of love and healing for him, I needed him to give it to him. 

And I needed him to walk the Camino for me. He, too, was blessed with a gift there, a gift that freed and healed me back.

The quest you take, the journey of searching, the question you ask is enough to fill you full of love. And the answer will be a gift only those who need it most can recognize and take from you.

                                                Where is my treasure?

On hope

I start feeding the birds as soon as the leaves fall down and leave the branches bare and unwelcoming. It is a part of my morning routine. I feed my birds; birds that don't belong to me but somehow, I feel like I might belong with them at times.

This week however, for the first time, one flew in. I left the balcony door open and suddenly there he was, in my living room. Scared and hurt as he banged into the window trying to escape the unknown. I quickly opened the window and let him out. 

What is the difference between hope and faith? 

Faith is what we have now and hope looks to the future. I like that! I might like it more than other explanations I came across even though I still feel a bit lost trying to define it myself. But hey, here is my story for today.

The bird finally got out and quickly landed on the branch near my window. He was alive, that was good. He made it there but what now? I was not sure he is alright and able to fly. I was worried he might be lost on the other side of this little world he lived in. He was there but didn't move at all.

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light." Isaiah 9:2

Hope is a desire for something good in the future but at the same time it is the reason why it comes to pass. This is where hope and faith overlap.

As joy is the most potent form of love, hope could easily be seen as the most resilient form of love. It teaches us how to resist adversity and won't let us give up on faith we need with every step we take forward.

I couldn't let him go, I had faith in him. I knew he would make it. I also knew how stressful it must have been for him but I had faith. I patiently waited for him to move. I was there standing by the window for almost half an hour.

And suddenly, he jumped on the branch little higher than the one we was on. He jumped, he spread his wings for a little while but he did. And, dear God, my heart jumped with him! This is it! I am his God. If this is how God feels with our courage to take a leap of faith, to move forward no matter how slowly, just to try; if this is how He feels, then this joy is what nourishes our souls, what gives us strength beyond our imagination. 

I had faith in that little bird and hoped he would benefit from his journey into the unknown, from his newly acquired strength and experience.

"There is a hope that burns within my heart, a glimpse of glory and Christ in me."

Hope may provide the path but faith is our compass to walk it.

Hope does anchor the soul (Hebrews 6:19) but the ships are not built to stay in harbors. Faith needs to be fulfilled in a deed, a step we take.

Taking a step forward is faith, the unknown we step into is hope.

On forgiveness

Fill our hearts with light, forgiveness, because what was done, was done, and we carry but a memory of it. May we forgive those whose best was not enough for us and ask for forgiveness in times when our best is not enough for others.

I wanted to write about forgiveness for quite some time but I always ended up writing about something else. Not because there is not enough to write about but because there was always too much to write about it and still too much to learn.

In fact, my whole journey has started with my strong longing to be forgiven. In my posts I have never been that far in the past but for today, it is where I'll start.

He was in all of my prayers, the man I gave my promise to grow old with. Every single one of them! I left. I was the one who packed the suitcase and left but I knew why and he didn't. That's why I prayed. No words or explanations would help him understand but I understood him and loved the heart I broke no matter what. Our paths went in different directions and I sacrificed mine. No, I didn't! I could have walked mine but I was not strong enough at that time to do that, with or without him by my side. So, I prayed every day after I had left and it was the same one sentence over and over again "I want him to be happy!" I don't even know if he was truly happy when we were together...

Three years later, I think I finally forgave myself for leaving. And I think he is happy.

What is forgiveness? A peace of mind, happiness, comfort? Yes, an act of forgiveness offers all of that but also much more. 

Don't get me wrong but I believe that every true act of forgiveness changes something human in us to divine. We grow closer to what our souls would look like if they were visible in this world. And that's why in forgiveness there is much more than just a peace of mind or happiness. 

I asked once what a damnation is and here is the answer I was given, " damnation is our inability to progress." And so asking what stops us from moving forward, what keeps us in the past or stuck is essential.

What keeps us in the past is what we hold on to. It is something we are not willing to release.

A Course in Miracles teaches us that forgiveness is acquired. It is not inherent in the mind, which cannot sin. As sin is an idea we taught ourselves, forgiveness must be learned as well. The unforgiving mind does not believe that giving and receiving are the same. And that perception changes everything.

A week ago, I was asked to take part in a ritual to forgive the mistakes that were done almost a century ago by a generation long forgotten. A friend of mine, turned what was perceived as a sin into love and light. A new generation offered forgiveness, created beauty.

This weekend, after I learned about the mistakes in my family, I offered forgiveness as well. 

A conscious act is required, a step beyond a thought or an intention. That's forgiveness. It does ask something of us whether we ask for forgiveness or want to forgive others.

In my life, I both asked to be forgiven and prayed to be able to forgive. And everytime, what seemed almost impossible to achieve, became a miracle once I did something for it to happen. Forgiveness is a miracle! An awesome miracle you feel in every cell of your body. That's how I felt it everytime. It's almost like a spiritual shot of espresso that kicks you (and not only you) forward.

"I give you to the Holy Spirit as part of myself.

I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself.

In the name of my freedom I choose your release, because I recognize that we will be released together." A Course in Miracles 

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”  

Mark Twain

On heart

                                  "The heart is a candle longing to be lit." Rumi

More than a blood pump, more than just an organ, the heart is a bridge. The bridge between two worlds, connecting mind and matter, wisdom from our home above and love from our home here, Earth. 

In that sense, living from the heart is living from the very centre of who we are as human beings, beings carrying the divine light, finding their way in the darkness of limitations.

The question is not whether we have that light within, the question is how we can walk in it and what it truly means for us and others.

Let's stay with the image of a bridge for a while. What meets there, in the heart, is of different nature obviously. However, at one point, one merges into another like rivers do when they reach the ocean. Something new is created and it holds qualities of both for a while. The key then is to keep it balanced, in harmony.

Imagination, intuition, inspiration, and intellect meet emotions, needs, desires, and instincts in the heart.

The world of the higher three chakras meets the world of the lower three chakras in the heart.

One without the other can't create and one is neither superior nor inferior to the other.

We were sitting on the top of the hill overlooking the sleepy water dam. The grass was dry and golden as were all the leaves in the woods we passed on the way there. It was one of the last warm autumn moments before the coming of gray and cold days. But that day, it was still warm enough to stay there, outside, taking in the smells and colours of the country around and below us. Our breaths were one with the stillness of the water and leaves fallen recently. "It could easily be enough to learn only about love for the rest of your life." I said. "It might take more than a lifetime though." He replied. "Maybe even one thousand lifetimes. I take it!" I added and we smiled. We saw one face of love in each other yet decided to open up to all those others there could be.

And the air was still filled with the scent of myrrh burning in his little coal holder.

There are as many ways to your heart as rays of the sun. Be curious and never cease to find your way and light. Sometimes, some steps might be just as easy as taking in what was there for us on that hill.

Here is what I find useful on my way...

Meditation, a practice of focus, concentration, and close examination of what is (be it a thought or an emotion). 

Mindfulness, a practice of awareness, being present wherever you are and in whatever you are doing. Showing up authentic helps as well!

Love, being a lifelong student of love. The love that turns into an endless source of knowledge, wisdom and inspiration, understanding of who you are and why you are here, the force of life.

"The only thing you regret in the end is falling for someone's definition of love instead of exploring its infinite potential. " Camino Called Life

On curiosity

There is a very thin line between fear and curiosity. It goes both ways and it can either deplete our souls or nourish them tremendously!

And ultimately, curiousity will never fail you!

"Curiosity will conquer fear more than bravery will." James Stephens

Curiosity is willingness to look beyond, to overlook the primal fears and restrictions. It asks for your full presence and it opens your heart and senses to what could lie behind; all the possibilities.

In the last two days, I was able to experience that thin line between fear and curiosity and how it affects everything in me. And it beautifully worked both ways as I described earlier.

On Friday, a friend unintentionally brought forth the fears within me with what was harmless question in the beginning. A simple statement that I was curious about but without the chance to get the answers right away, I let my mind slip and create a fearful experience out of it. It took over and I reacted overly emotional to something what never happened. 

And today, I found myself in another situation, potentially fearful, and before acting upon it, I spent some time meditating on what is it I could learn from it. I managed to remove myself from the situation, as if not taking any result personally, as if it was a lesson to learn from. A few minutes later, curiosity led me forth towards new discoveries. 

Cultivating curiosity, however, we need to get rid of the need to get the results or have our expectations met. 

There is one lesson in daring itself, and another one in what is discovered. And it is good to practice mindfulness to be aware of them both. It is good to remember the process as much as the result is always good in its core. And that's, I believe, what conquers the fear!

"This is my life. It is my one time to be me. I want to experience every good thing."

Maya Angelou

On Ego

I have started a brand new notebook today and the first words I wrote down were

Finally, you are here! The whole world has been waiting for you to come.

Those were the words I heard from my good friend and therapist and made me realize something very profound, something I didn't hear for the first time but I "successfully" ignored until now.

It wasn't until I wrote my book from journey that I realized fully all the lessons I learned there. Each day there was something new to learn and when I was writing it in a book I saw it clearly. However, one very crucial lesson was there, unseen to me yet interwoven in each day on my camino.

"You always say we, us, our. I want to know where YOU are." Said my friend when she finished reading my book. And my first reaction was rejection, as usual. But she made it clear and I was forced to face it one more time.

This beautiful, wild, and perfect universe made it possible for me to come into the time and place that is buzzing with transformation. Physical material world is no longer enough and we learn to see and grow beyond the form. And here I came to learn my lesson about the ego and the physical.

See the ego as the grain of sand that enables the oyster to create the pearl.

All spiritual teachings strive for the balance, harmony, and return to unity and oneness. How come there is a part of our uniqueness and oneness that we try to overcome, defy, and don't seem to accept as a part of the divine plan and masterpiece?

Ego, after all, is what makes us human in the first place.

In my story, that little part of me got hurt and wounded along the way; a little child scared and full of doubts and insecurities hiding inside of me. And instead of love and care I could give it, I turned away and rejected it. 

Little did I know I was turning away from the little sun within; the sun that can cast the light on gifts and talents, the sun that dispels all shadows and faults.

"Healthy ego can express its talents and creations without fear of how it will be received. It does not need to boast or convince others of its worth, it creates for the pure joy of expression, like a child." (From an article on partneryoga.net)

Not only was I made with love, I was made of love. How silly it is to think there is a fault and lack in such creation!