On vulnerability

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.

Thich Nhat Hanh

How much are you comfortable in your body, in your skin, with your thoughts or feeling your feelings when they arise? How much honesty is enough? How much do you let others see/know you? How much are you in love with yourself? And maybe you don't even think it is safe or right to love yourself, to be yourself, open and honest, because people could judge you or misunderstand your intentions, what's worse, you could be rejected! 

And so, you can choose to conform.

You may have already heard that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience but spiritual beings have a temporary human experience. If you believe that than you have to believe we are all one in our essence. We came from the One and carry a memory of it in our hearts and the moment we are born into the world that teaches us through separation and duality, all we strive for is belonging!

We may think that conforming to what others want is a way to such experience of belonging but I think it takes us too far from that in fact. 

First of all, we can never know for sure what the other person wants or desires. Second, others may not know clearly what they want and can change it at any moment. Thirdly, choosing to conform we move even farther from the memory of oneness we had when we were born because we turn our attention from what is inside of us to what is in the outer world and we let ourselves be led by our assumptions only.

Conformity seems safer but we get numb and forget, vulnerability is risky but it is a way to remember.

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” Brene Brown

I got a clear message, Strive for Truth, and I knew I had to listen to it in order to heal. Seeing the same message twice in a short time brought me a relief but at the same time a painful question what the truth actually is!

So I asked for help, guidance and answers. Gary Zukav wrote in his book The Seat of Soul that everytime you ask for an answer, it will come. Always! Though not always in a form you expect. 

My answer came as well but certainly not in a form I expected. I asked a question, I used the words but the answer came in the form of my own will and actions. How strange, I know!

My intention and feeling were aligned and very clear, I wanted to know the truth, follow it and understand it! But I didn't know the way.

Sometimes not knowing anything makes you a better student, more willing let the Divine take the lead, more open to opportunities and transformation, more eager to explore, and more likely to discover.

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." Brene Brown

And so what was the answer I received? I found it coming from within. It comes again and again and it is always my choice to recognize and accept it. It can be an honest answer I choose to give, a decision not to react from fear or anger but with patience or compassion, it is acknowledging that I, too, can be scared and afraid but not having to be paralyzed by it. Today, it was saying enough when I had enough, but not with anger. Yesterday, it was saying I love you when I knew I wouldn't get the same response. I didn't say enough because I didn't want to deal with the other person, I said it because I knew I wouldn't be true if it continued. I didn't say I love you to get the same response, to get approval, but because I knew it is true and the other person deserves it.

And this is important, I believe, be yourself, be authentic, learn what it means for you to be authentic today and what it will mean tomorrow. It can change, you can change, it is natural and it is life. In accepting uncertainty your freedom lies.

But behind it all, always remember that memory, the memory of oneness you came from, the memory that is your primal drive and force striving for connection with others (and yourself). With that memory in mind and in heart, don't surrender to illusions, fears. Do your best now to do what love would do. And then tomorrow, do your best again, with love. 

Being vulnerable is like building a bridge over the river. It is a hard work, it is risky. The rain and strong wind may struck you down many times, you may end up in cold waters, even break your bones but you know there is plenty of sunshine as well, and beautiful rainbows and butterflies and birds and the other side of the river! And most of all you know it is not about something on that other side that you long for, it is that connection that you want to experience, building the bridge. Because sometimes we have others on "our side of the river" but still feel disconnected from them.

Pick a good attitude! You may get others to start building on the other side to meet you in between! 

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing 
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there." Rumi

On Giving

Give and then give more, and more. Give like a passionate addict, an addict to the process of filling the world with love! Like you can never get enough of giving from the well that has no bottom. 

I started this year with one of my creative projects, painting. When I paint, I never know what the result will be. I just start and paint until it's done. I don't leave the paintings unfinished and I always give it a freedom to unveil its essence in front of my eyes. It is, by far, the most intense prayer and mediation I can experience. The energy stored inside is released and transformed into something beautiful. And I let the form create itself!

It was no different this time. 

The evening fell on the city and covered it with its quietness and stillness, fluffy snowflakes gently falling down on the frozen ground, and I took out my paints and brushes from the old wooden box. The light of a candle lit the room and I could safely dive into the waters of colors and emotions. The dog was snoring tugged in my bed and peace filled my mind and heart. I was ready to start.

Why is giving so important, why does it matter so much?! Well, because in giving the ultimate creation lies. There is no other way, no shortcut to a conscious and beautiful world than through giving.

Giving is a key to forgiving. Forgiving is a way to compassion and that's where a Christ-like consciousness is born!

Dr. Wayne Dyer said that the highest purpose is about giving yourself unconditionally and accepting what comes back with love even if what comes back is not what you had anticipated.

A couple hours later my painting was finished. The story of a starry night somewhere up in the mountains, late summer, and a house standing there all alone...filled with light.

I was looking at it and saw my dream come true right there in front of me. The Home of Light was born in my heart, manifested in reality, and I couldn't wait to put it up on one of my walls.

But it was not meant to be my home only!

Neale Donald Walsch says again and again Be the Source, give that which you want to have.

I took a photo of my painting and as usual, shared it with my good friend. Few moments later he replied asking me to take a better photo so that he can print it out and put on his wall. He loved it and I knew at that moment why I was painting it in the first place! 

I really wanted to keep it but at that moment I knew giving it away would make me even happier. I don't need to keep it, it came from within me, that Home of Light was always in my heart, I just wanted to see it for a while and now it will travel to where it is needed more.

Now, it will travel to where it was needed from the very beginning.

Just your honest intention to give is enough! The right people and situations will come to your life immediately, people and situations in which exactly that which you are able to give is needed. Maybe you don't know now what it is you can give, maybe you even think you don't have enough but the truth is there is always something we have what someone else needs, be it a smile, kind words, a flower, right book, appreciation, silent prayer, acceptance, understanding, money to get by or a free ticket to the museum.

Just your intention to give is enough, then all you need to do is act upon any intuitive impulse you have that has a potential to make someone happy. You will be guided, trust the process!

Try it, meet and greet everyone with some sort of a gift, try it for a day and see how rich that little shift makes you feel. Start your week in the grand manner.

And I shouldn't forget to mention one more thing, don't expect gratitude, acknowledgment, recognition or anything in return.

Giving and receiving are inseparable so be open to receive and rest assured there will be plenty but don't limit the divine by setting up your expectations on what it is you are open to receive. Detachment is the result of abundance consciousness!

On Light

"Well we all shine on

Like the moon and the stars and the sun

Yeah we all shine on

On and on and on on and on." John Lennon

On a quiet Saturday morning I took my cup of tea and as usual started flipping through the newspapers and magazines. It is the beginning of a new year, the so called "season of light" despite the fact that days are rather short and nights darker than ever. I wondered why it is called the season of light then! Well, maybe because, as Barbara Brown Taylor writes in one of her books, "there is a light that is only visible in the darkness". 

During one of mediations this week I had a rather "ordinary" thought of what or who I really am. This time, however, it was more about the physical body. 

Our bodies are too dense to expect the light can actually come through, I thought. So we would naturally expect to find the darkness inside. And that might be true to our physical sight. Yet in my meditation I saw the light inside, dwelling in what might be perceived as a darkness.

As I was reading through the papers, I came across a beautiful article. The title, Let's shine with the Year of Light", was enough to grab my attention. And even more did one short paragraph there.

"Our fascination with light never fades and it can come in a form of a rainbow, for example. It is a simple physical law called the refraction of light. The rain drops on their way to Earth meet the light and what we see is a rainbow." (From the SME newspaper)

The International Year of Light is more of a scientific thing than a spiritual one, of course. However, I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw the metaphor of it!

The rain drops on their way to Earth meet the light and we get all those little, special parts of light called colors.

The Light, our essence, on its way to Earth meets the matter, water and flesh, so that it can experience and recognize its little special parts; all the aspects of divinity, love.

We all are a part of such rainbow! Some choose to experience the red, some blue, others green spectrum of it. None is more important or better, just special in its own way. Slower or faster in its vibration but still part of the same light.

And what if I told you that you can choose which special part you want to be now? What if it is not bound to be just one you might have already experienced? What if you can choose again, not better or wiser, just again!

"Don't forget, you can change anything you want. You are not what you have learned to be," said Manuel with the last hug and a gentle kiss on my cheek that morning. My eyes were filled with tears and my heart with love and hope. What he said that morning has stayed with me every day since then: the little insignificant act of love, the seed of change watered and slowly growing within. Camino Called Life

On Choice

There are three dreams of mine that tested my patience and perserverance. I thought I was very clear in my intention but there was clearly something that kept me from living those dreams.

I don't want to write only about the law of attraction or manifestations. Sure, there is a connection but also much more important lesson I was blessed to learn along the way. 

What is so important is what brought light into my journey recently, something that I could say have made a difference in my life this recent year.

"Your words today and all this reminds me of what you wrote on the little
note you wrote for me, the one I carried with me on the Camino and still have in my wallet now, the one with the sentence that reminds
me that "you can walk towards love" again and again each day. This is a choice we make when we say "yes" He wrote me in a message.

Love never ceases! And you can choose to walk towards it, spread it no matter what, if the other person wants to join you or not! 

"It is impossible to conceive of light and darkness or everything and nothing as joint possibilities. It is essential that you realize that your thinking will be erratic until a firm commitment to one or the other is made.

Whenever light enters darkness, the darkness is abolished.

You prefer to believe that your thoughts cannot exert real influence because you are actually afraid of them. There are no idle thoughts. All thinking produces form at some level." A Course in Miracles

My dreams could not manifest because there is something even more powerful than the thought we hold. It is the feeling! And if those two, intent and feeling, are not in alignment, feeling creates!

I couldn't experience what I desired most because deep down there were the feelings of guilt, frustrations, and fear. And it took me a couple years to dig deep enough to become aware of what was actually creating my reality and experience. All those years I chose to experience confusion and fear.

Would I change all that? No! Now I can choose to experience and create consciously instead of creating abundantly but without awareness and control. Now I can choose to be harmony, joy, and inspiration because time is relative and your dream comes true the moment you embody it fully!

"Both miracles and fear come from thoughts." A Course in Miracles

It is not only about manifesting your dreams. It is about the choice you make in life, the choice to believe in love or fear. And what you choose is what you share with the world, it is what others see in you but also what you see in others and strengthen in them as well.

"Everyone can answer for themselves whether wanting a better life makes what already is better. Make a wish and watch your own state and your own emotions. Does it make you feel at peace? Does it feel like you want to shout into the world, "thank you dear God, thank you!”? 

You have just got it if it does!

Gratitude isn't about settling. In fact, never settle. Be amazed, always. But stop wanting. The whole world wants so much that it creates the energy of not having enough when there is plenty!

So ask, enjoy the joy you brought into the world at this moment, and move on with whatever you do or have." Camino Called Life

Have a wonderful new year and if you do want to make a wish, take your time to feel it in your heart and instead of waiting for it, be grateful and shower those around you with love!

...just because you are blessed already!

On Home

There was a time in my life when I was left homeless, literally! One summer I was flying back "home" just to find my whole life in a few boxes. It hurt! It did but at the same time, it was just a little scratch compared to another moment much later when I woke up in the middle of the night.

In my bed, I suddenly felt that overwhelming sadness welling up from the very core of my being. For that moment, too brief to be measured, I was drowning in the darkness and deep realization was at the bottom.

What I am looking for, the One I am missing so deeply can't be found here in this world. 

And for the first and only time in my life I was really homesick.

That emptiness, aloneness, abandonment was filled many weeks later when unexpectedly a wave of unconditional love penetrated every single cell of my body and my soul remembered...for a brief moment only but it was enough to remember my way home.

"That morning in a beautiful hotel room when I collapsed, when all the pain from my aimless wandering, illusion and dirt came out, it was then when she looked at me. She looked at me, heartbroken and betrayed with tears rolling down her cheeks and she picked me up." He said.

"Come on, let's go! It's going to be ok. I love you!" She said and took him by his hand.

"That day, that morning in that beautiful hotel room when I collapsed I saw Christ in her eyes." He continued.

"Something in your eyes and your expression...it felt like home." She heard again much later.

                            "Home is where one starts from." T.S.Eliot

Christ is born in the void and it is grace itself which makes the void. "So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." (T.S.Eliot) And where there was a wasteland, a new home is built for others to find comfort in, to remember the way.

The home I seek is in everyone, I just forgot to look for it there. Eyes of others are our waymark back home. The home I seek is in me and you, in every one of us. We just forgot it mirrors in the eyes we look into in every encounter. The same eyes that reflect our own image.

"As I looked at each person, my self shone forth from their eyes. How did I get into all these bodies? I wondered." D.R.Hawkins

(Spirit house from lilichristensen.com)

 

On the void

"When I asked you before some lessons you had become aware of, they were answered in your writing.  I think you experienced and described some spiritual truths perfectly." He told me after reading my book. 

"They weren't lost on me. You didn't mention if you found out your purpose." He added after a while but I left it there. Something like that should be easy to answer, I thought.

"Many people who are going through the early stages of the awakening process are no longer certain what their outer purpose is. What drives the world no longer drives them. Seeing the madness of our civilization so clearly, they may feel somewhat alienated from the culture around them. Some feel that they inhabit a no-man’s-land between two worlds. They are no longer run by the ego, yet the arising awareness has not yet become fully integrated into their lives. Inner and outer purpose have not merged." E.Tolle

Why is the third advent candle pink? Why is the third advent Sunday about joy when we still have to wait for the light to be born into the world? 

Someone told me once that there is an answer hidden in a good question and this seems to be just another example of that as well. We need to be reminded of joy and light when the darkness is most present in our lives, when we still have to wait for the light to be born, when it feels like there is no end to the tunnel we are going through. That's the time we need the joy, the memory of the light most of all.

"Being the character of your own movie, you may easily miss the bigger picture of the story unfolding around you. Life is a constant change but it is not just some random, unpredictable transformation. It is more of an evolution, a process. Thoughts, understanding, and feelings were slowly changing and evolving within me and it was just a matter of time until I would be ready to take the step into a new chapter, walk through another door, and experience a breath of fresh air again. But that single step is usually the most difficult one, the step just before we reach the handle of the new door, the moment when we are left with empty open hands, vulnerable, and in flux. The good thing about being in such a situation is that if you are alert enough you can actually witness the incredible way in which the world has opened up for you and works for you." Camino Called Life

It does not feel comfortable when one has to experience the void. It literally strips off every layer left from the world you are leaving and for a while it leaves you naked, vulnerable and innocent again. For a moment you may feel like you want to keep just a bit of what worked before, just enough to make it through, just enough to feel like you can still belong somewhere. 

You are being born again and just like a new born baby, your innate need to belong somewhere drives you to do whatever it takes to belong. 

The first problem in this birth is that your parents are within yourself, the only guide and teacher you can rely on and follow. You need to learn their names and trust them.

The second problem is that you still remember your life before and that means a lot of unlearning to be done.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

But even there, in the void, is something incredibly precious, something why it all makes senses, something what can't be found anywhere else. These are the rare moments of clarity, innocence, and oneness with all, as above so below. Sure, they may be rare but even then they have the power to push you forward, closer to the edge, until one day, you will be ready to take yet another leap of faith.

"There is a light that shines in the darkness which is only visible there." Barbara Brown Taylor

On Treasure

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light." Luke 11:33

Peter told me about his thoughts to adopt another child. His two daughters are grown up and soon they will leave the nest. It is very likely there won't be as much need to look after them as before. And I thought why is it that now, when he can do anything he couldn't in the past, he would rather go back and do it all again. And don't get me wrong, raising a child is a miracle and blessing. Look for the message behind the story though!

It is not very easy to write about what I want to share this week. The topic, treasure, is a beautiful one but it may be a bit radical perspective I am about to share....and quite easily misunderstood in the midst of emotions. I will use this story as an example.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them!

" it fulfills me, gives me a sense of purpose and meaning. And I give them so much as well!" Peter tried to explain the reason behind his decision. 

"So you need them to give you a sense of purpose? You need them to fulfill your needs?" I said. He knew the same happened with his love interest. All he wanted was to look after her, take care of her and when she explained what she really needed, space, he got anxious and old fears creeped in again. 

"If looking after someone, taking care of them is what fulfills you most, then why do you need approval? Or is it your need to get it back that keeps you hopeful of fulfillment?" I said and mostly just talked out loud, saying the things I might need to learn myself too.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them! 

Think about it for a little longer, give it one more moment to unfold in front of your eyes. 

What if we find the treasure that fulfills our existence and then, just then, the need to give it to others arises?

What if we embark upon the journey of searching for that treasure instead of imposing the responsibility for it on others?

What if what we find, what fulfills us, will be a light on the road for others as well?

Wouldn't it be worth to go on that adventure then?

"A child would come to you, again, with a treasure they carry. All children remember their treasures! So the child comes, fulfills you and you unconsciously steal it from them. Sure, you look after the child so inevitable you give back part of that. But think about it, unless you find (remember) yours, you can only take from others. Even though it looks like giving to ordinary sight. And imagine a relationship where two beings who remember and carry their treasures meet!" I continued

"But where is my treasure?" He asked. He asked the most profound question he possibly could.

"I don't know." I said. "But that's where you can start. You have a question, that's more than enough to start with."

Ask yourself this one simple question every day. Make it your habit, your daily routine. And for now, stop there. Don't try to look for the answers, don't analyze, don't blame, don't make excuses. Just ask!

Be comfortable with a question because you may never get your answer. At least not in a way we expect it most of the times. As life is a journey, your answer is in searching, the quest you came here for. You came here so that the God can experience him/herself in your quest. And that treasure will light up like a lamp visible to others, guiding others, nurturing your own soul and God. God depends on you and your quest to be expressed and realized.

So yes, the question is sufficient. Don't worry about the next step unless you take that first one.

The treasure is the gift we receive but it is for others, it liberates others. To liberate ourselves, we need others and their gifts. I thought I walked the Camino to free myself, heal myself. The truth is, I got a gift to free and heal one person that needed it most from me. I needed him because I carried a gift of love and healing for him, I needed him to give it to him. 

And I needed him to walk the Camino for me. He, too, was blessed with a gift there, a gift that freed and healed me back.

The quest you take, the journey of searching, the question you ask is enough to fill you full of love. And the answer will be a gift only those who need it most can recognize and take from you.

                                                Where is my treasure?