Friday, 20 February 2015

On the past

We like to think the past holds us hostage but the truth is, it is us who hold on to it because it is the only familiar thing we can relate to.

And then, when we come to face a new experience in our lives, we stand in front of the decision to react to it and do as we did before or create something new. 
And this is true with our dreams as well as fears!

Sometimes, we subconsciously sabotage a new experience by choosing the same reactions, assumptions, and stories we experienced before. We basically decide to experience the same just to prove we "know" the life we live, to feel in control no matter how sick and weird such choice is.

And why is it a sick and weird choice? Well, because we choose to punish ourselves just to prove we know the answer to the question of life.
Paolo Coelho wrote in one of his books that when we get very close to reaching our dream, we have a tendency to self-sabotage it.

Simply by acknowledging the wounds we have as more real than the light that shines through us!

The wounds, the experience I had in the past was so intense that tried to push it away,  hoping I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was somehow hoping it would go away but simply ignoring it and focusing on the bright side of the life as much as I could. And it worked!
...for a while!

It worked until I was ready (and probably strong enough) to face it and hopefully choose again, create something new in my life or repeat and react in the way I did before.

What did you learn?
How well do you remember who you truly are in the face of your fears and wounds?
How much are you dedicated to creation (in contrary to reaction)?

I heard my soul asking me these questions again and again over these last few days. Persistently but with a gentle patience and loving kindness as my soul always does.

I was hurt in the past, for a while I decided I can't trust anyone and so abandoned love completely. For a while... and I blamed everyone, including myself for all the pain and loss. For a while I wanted to play the role of a victim. 
But it all lasted just for a while!

But how do we really know we are ready to move on and create instead of react?
Well, we know that when we are given another opportunity to choose and decide which way to want to go this time. 
I knew that when my dreams started to take on! It was relatively easy while they were still young and "formless". I was still in control and didn't feel the need to choose one way only I suppose. 

I needed an earthquake to come to my senses to choose consciously!

I saw myself punishing myself, pushing the new choice and new experience away from me, sabotaging my dream just because I knew how to react to pain already. 
But maybe, just maybe, I can learn how to react to love this time! At least that's what I choose today!
And for a while, just for a while I need to forget what I had learned before.

Sunday, 15 February 2015

On acceptance

I have skipped a week, last Sunday I didn't write anything even though the thoughts in my head literally took over. It was just too busy in there I suppose to write down anything substantial.
Well, days like that happen too and the only thing I can do, the only thing I could do at that moment was to accept it as it was and is.

Is that a failure? I saw it like that for a while. I saw it as me failing to follow through with my commitment to write regularly. But that perception lasted just a little while. A little while until I realized and remembered I did my best at that moment! Maybe I would do things differently now but then, at that moment I did all I could.

If you have read the book called Four Agreements then you may remember but that one of them is "do you best".
"Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy and when you are sick. Under any circumstances simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret."

Over the last two weeks I had to remind myself how much work I have done so far, remember that, no matter how difficult times were, how challenging and tiring the journey is sometimes. Old fears and insecurities came to the surface once more and I could choose to create anew or react like I did before. React like I did when it was all I could do and it was my best then! I always did my best. I am who I am as a result of that and all I can do now, right now, is to accept it, accept myself! Am I englightened? Perfect? Finished piece of work? Certainly not! But I know now, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, with all the imperfections and wounds to teach me about acceptance. And every time I make a conscious choice to accept myself as I am at any moment, I am closer to accepting others as well. It simply doesn't work the other way round!

Love thrives in a sanctuary called acceptance!

And where does it all start? It is not knowing, not understanding, or enjoying someone that is the starting point! It all starts with acceptance. And we all can start right where we are with the person closest to us, ourselves!

Dear God, please help me to believe the truth about matter how beautiful it is." Macrina Wiederkehr