Sunday 28 December 2014

On Choice

There are three dreams of mine that tested my patience and perserverance. I thought I was very clear in my intention but there was clearly something that kept me from living those dreams.

I don't want to write only about the law of attraction or manifestations. Sure, there is a connection but also much more important lesson I was blessed to learn along the way. 

What is so important is what brought light into my journey recently, something that I could say have made a difference in my life this recent year.

"Your words today and all this reminds me of what you wrote on the little
note you wrote for me, the one I carried with me on the Camino and still have in my wallet now, the one with the sentence that reminds
me that "you can walk towards love" again and again each day. This is a choice we make when we say "yes"
He wrote me in a message.

Love never ceases! And you can choose to walk towards it, spread it no matter what, if the other person wants to join you or not! 

"It is impossible to conceive of light and darkness or everything and nothing as joint possibilities. It is essential that you realize that your thinking will be erratic until a firm commitment to one or the other is made.
Whenever light enters darkness, the darkness is abolished.
You prefer to believe that your thoughts cannot exert real influence because you are actually afraid of them. There are no idle thoughts. All thinking produces form at some level." A Course in Miracles

My dreams could not manifest because there is something even more powerful than the thought we hold. It is the feeling! And if those two, intent and feeling, are not in alignment, feeling creates!
I couldn't experience what I desired most because deep down there were the feelings of guilt, frustrations, and fear. And it took me a couple years to dig deep enough to become aware of what was actually creating my reality and experience. All those years I chose to experience confusion and fear.

Would I change all that? No! Now I can choose to experience and create consciously instead of creating abundantly but without awareness and control. Now I can choose to be harmony, joy, and inspiration because time is relative and your dream comes true the moment you embody it fully!

"Both miracles and fear come from thoughts." A Course in Miracles

It is not only about manifesting your dreams. It is about the choice you make in life, the choice to believe in love or fear. And what you choose is what you share with the world, it is what others see in you but also what you see in others and strengthen in them as well.

"Everyone can answer for themselves whether wanting a better life makes what already is better. Make a wish and watch your own state and your own emotions. Does it make you feel at peace? Does it feel like you want to shout into the world, "thank you dear God, thank you!”? 
You have just got it if it does!
Gratitude isn't about settling. In fact, never settle. Be amazed, always. But stop wanting. The whole world wants so much that it creates the energy of not having enough when there is plenty!
So ask, enjoy the joy you brought into the world at this moment, and move on with whatever you do or have." Camino Called Life


Have a wonderful new year and if you do want to make a wish, take your time to feel it in your heart and instead of waiting for it, be grateful and shower those around you with love!

...just because you are blessed already!





Sunday 21 December 2014

On Home

There was a time in my life when I was left homeless, literally! One summer I was flying back "home" just to find my whole life in a few boxes. It hurt! It did but at the same time, it was just a little scratch compared to another moment much later when I woke up in the middle of the night.
In my bed, I suddenly felt that overwhelming sadness welling up from the very core of my being. For that moment, too brief to be measured, I was drowning in the darkness and deep realization was at the bottom.
What I am looking for, the One I am missing so deeply can't be found here in this world. 
And for the first and only time in my life I was really homesick.

That emptiness, aloneness, abandonment was filled many weeks later when unexpectedly a wave of unconditional love penetrated every single cell of my body and my soul remembered...for a brief moment only but it was enough to remember my way home.

"That morning in a beautiful hotel room when I collapsed, when all the pain from my aimless wandering, illusion and dirt came out, it was then when she looked at me. She looked at me, heartbroken and betrayed with tears rolling down her cheeks and she picked me up." He said.

"Come on, let's go! It's going to be ok. I love you!" She said and took him by his hand.

"That day, that morning in that beautiful hotel room when I collapsed I saw Christ in her eyes." He continued.
"Something in your eyes and your expression...it felt like home." She heard again much later.

                            "Home is where one starts from." T.S.Eliot

Christ is born in the void and it is grace itself which makes the void. "So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." (T.S.Eliot) And where there was a wasteland, a new home is built for others to find comfort in, to remember the way.
The home I seek is in everyone, I just forgot to look for it there. Eyes of others are our waymark back home. The home I seek is in me and you, in every one of us. We just forgot it mirrors in the eyes we look into in every encounter. The same eyes that reflect our own image.

"As I looked at each person, my self shone forth from their eyes. How did I get into all these bodies? I wondered." D.R.Hawkins


(Spirit house from lilichristensen.com)







 

Sunday 14 December 2014

On the void

"When I asked you before some lessons you had become aware of, they were answered in your writing.  I think you experienced and described some spiritual truths perfectly." He told me after reading my book. 
"They weren't lost on me. You didn't mention if you found out your purpose." He added after a while but I left it there. Something like that should be easy to answer, I thought.


"Many people who are going through the early stages of the awakening process are no longer certain what their outer purpose is. What drives the world no longer drives them. Seeing the madness of our civilization so clearly, they may feel somewhat alienated from the culture around them. Some feel that they inhabit a no-man’s-land between two worlds. They are no longer run by the ego, yet the arising awareness has not yet become fully integrated into their lives. Inner and outer purpose have not merged." E.Tolle


Why is the third advent candle pink? Why is the third advent Sunday about joy when we still have to wait for the light to be born into the world? 
Someone told me once that there is an answer hidden in a good question and this seems to be just another example of that as well. We need to be reminded of joy and light when the darkness is most present in our lives, when we still have to wait for the light to be born, when it feels like there is no end to the tunnel we are going through. That's the time we need the joy, the memory of the light most of all.

"Being the character of your own movie, you may easily miss the bigger picture of the story unfolding around you. Life is a constant change but it is not just some random, unpredictable transformation. It is more of an evolution, a process. Thoughts, understanding, and feelings were slowly changing and evolving within me and it was just a matter of time until I would be ready to take the step into a new chapter, walk through another door, and experience a breath of fresh air again. But that single step is usually the most difficult one, the step just before we reach the handle of the new door, the moment when we are left with empty open hands, vulnerable, and in flux. The good thing about being in such a situation is that if you are alert enough you can actually witness the incredible way in which the world has opened up for you and works for you." Camino Called Life

It does not feel comfortable when one has to experience the void. It literally strips off every layer left from the world you are leaving and for a while it leaves you naked, vulnerable and innocent again. For a moment you may feel like you want to keep just a bit of what worked before, just enough to make it through, just enough to feel like you can still belong somewhere. 
You are being born again and just like a new born baby, your innate need to belong somewhere drives you to do whatever it takes to belong. 
The first problem in this birth is that your parents are within yourself, the only guide and teacher you can rely on and follow. You need to learn their names and trust them.
The second problem is that you still remember your life before and that means a lot of unlearning to be done.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8


But even there, in the void, is something incredibly precious, something why it all makes senses, something what can't be found anywhere else. These are the rare moments of clarity, innocence, and oneness with all, as above so below. Sure, they may be rare but even then they have the power to push you forward, closer to the edge, until one day, you will be ready to take yet another leap of faith.

"There is a light that shines in the darkness which is only visible there." Barbara Brown Taylor








Sunday 7 December 2014

On Treasure

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light." Luke 11:33

Peter told me about his thoughts to adopt another child. His two daughters are grown up and soon they will leave the nest. It is very likely there won't be as much need to look after them as before. And I thought why is it that now, when he can do anything he couldn't in the past, he would rather go back and do it all again. And don't get me wrong, raising a child is a miracle and blessing. Look for the message behind the story though!

It is not very easy to write about what I want to share this week. The topic, treasure, is a beautiful one but it may be a bit radical perspective I am about to share....and quite easily misunderstood in the midst of emotions. I will use this story as an example.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them!

" it fulfills me, gives me a sense of purpose and meaning. And I give them so much as well!" Peter tried to explain the reason behind his decision. 
"So you need them to give you a sense of purpose? You need them to fulfill your needs?" I said. He knew the same happened with his love interest. All he wanted was to look after her, take care of her and when she explained what she really needed, space, he got anxious and old fears creeped in again. 
"If looking after someone, taking care of them is what fulfills you most, then why do you need approval? Or is it your need to get it back that keeps you hopeful of fulfillment?" I said and mostly just talked out loud, saying the things I might need to learn myself too.

Don't love others because you need them. Need them because you love them! 

Think about it for a little longer, give it one more moment to unfold in front of your eyes. 
What if we find the treasure that fulfills our existence and then, just then, the need to give it to others arises?
What if we embark upon the journey of searching for that treasure instead of imposing the responsibility for it on others?
What if what we find, what fulfills us, will be a light on the road for others as well?


Wouldn't it be worth to go on that adventure then?

"A child would come to you, again, with a treasure they carry. All children remember their treasures! So the child comes, fulfills you and you unconsciously steal it from them. Sure, you look after the child so inevitable you give back part of that. But think about it, unless you find (remember) yours, you can only take from others. Even though it looks like giving to ordinary sight. And imagine a relationship where two beings who remember and carry their treasures meet!" I continued

"But where is my treasure?" He asked. He asked the most profound question he possibly could.
"I don't know." I said. "But that's where you can start. You have a question, that's more than enough to start with."

Ask yourself this one simple question every day. Make it your habit, your daily routine. And for now, stop there. Don't try to look for the answers, don't analyze, don't blame, don't make excuses. Just ask!

Be comfortable with a question because you may never get your answer. At least not in a way we expect it most of the times. As life is a journey, your answer is in searching, the quest you came here for. You came here so that the God can experience him/herself in your quest. And that treasure will light up like a lamp visible to others, guiding others, nurturing your own soul and God. God depends on you and your quest to be expressed and realized.

So yes, the question is sufficient. Don't worry about the next step unless you take that first one.

The treasure is the gift we receive but it is for others, it liberates others. To liberate ourselves, we need others and their gifts. I thought I walked the Camino to free myself, heal myself. The truth is, I got a gift to free and heal one person that needed it most from me. I needed him because I carried a gift of love and healing for him, I needed him to give it to him. 
And I needed him to walk the Camino for me. He, too, was blessed with a gift there, a gift that freed and healed me back.
The quest you take, the journey of searching, the question you ask is enough to fill you full of love. And the answer will be a gift only those who need it most can recognize and take from you.

                                                Where is my treasure?

Sunday 30 November 2014

On hope

I start feeding the birds as soon as the leaves fall down and leave the branches bare and unwelcoming. It is a part of my morning routine. I feed my birds; birds that don't belong to me but somehow, I feel like I might belong with them at times.
This week however, for the first time, one flew in. I left the balcony door open and suddenly there he was, in my living room. Scared and hurt as he banged into the window trying to escape the unknown. I quickly opened the window and let him out. 

What is the difference between hope and faith? 
Faith is what we have now and hope looks to the future. I like that! I might like it more than other explanations I came across even though I still feel a bit lost trying to define it myself. But hey, here is my story for today.

The bird finally got out and quickly landed on the branch near my window. He was alive, that was good. He made it there but what now? I was not sure he is alright and able to fly. I was worried he might be lost on the other side of this little world he lived in. He was there but didn't move at all.

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light." Isaiah 9:2

Hope is a desire for something good in the future but at the same time it is the reason why it comes to pass. This is where hope and faith overlap.

As joy is the most potent form of love, hope could easily be seen as the most resilient form of love. It teaches us how to resist adversity and won't let us give up on faith we need with every step we take forward.

I couldn't let him go, I had faith in him. I knew he would make it. I also knew how stressful it must have been for him but I had faith. I patiently waited for him to move. I was there standing by the window for almost half an hour.
And suddenly, he jumped on the branch little higher than the one we was on. He jumped, he spread his wings for a little while but he did. And, dear God, my heart jumped with him! This is it! I am his God. If this is how God feels with our courage to take a leap of faith, to move forward no matter how slowly, just to try; if this is how He feels, then this joy is what nourishes our souls, what gives us strength beyond our imagination. 
I had faith in that little bird and hoped he would benefit from his journey into the unknown, from his newly acquired strength and experience.

"There is a hope that burns within my heart, a glimpse of glory and Christ in me."
Hope may provide the path but faith is our compass to walk it.
Hope does anchor the soul (Hebrews 6:19) but the ships are not built to stay in harbors. Faith needs to be fulfilled in a deed, a step we take.

Taking a step forward is faith, the unknown we step into is hope.

Sunday 23 November 2014

On forgiveness


Fill our hearts with light, forgiveness, because what was done, was done, and we carry but a memory of it. May we forgive those whose best was not enough for us and ask for forgiveness in times when our best is not enough for others.


I wanted to write about forgiveness for quite some time but I always ended up writing about something else. Not because there is not enough to write about but because there was always too much to write about it and still too much to learn.

In fact, my whole journey has started with my strong longing to be forgiven. In my posts I have never been that far in the past but for today, it is where I'll start.

He was in all of my prayers, the man I gave my promise to grow old with. Every single one of them! I left. I was the one who packed the suitcase and left but I knew why and he didn't. That's why I prayed. No words or explanations would help him understand but I understood him and loved the heart I broke no matter what. Our paths went in different directions and I sacrificed mine. No, I didn't! I could have walked mine but I was not strong enough at that time to do that, with or without him by my side. So, I prayed every day after I had left and it was the same one sentence over and over again "I want him to be happy!" I don't even know if he was truly happy when we were together...
Three years later, I think I finally forgave myself for leaving. And I think he is happy.


What is forgiveness? A peace of mind, happiness, comfort? Yes, an act of forgiveness offers all of that but also much more. 
Don't get me wrong but I believe that every true act of forgiveness changes something human in us to divine. We grow closer to what our souls would look like if they were visible in this world. And that's why in forgiveness there is much more than just a peace of mind or happiness. 
I asked once what a damnation is and here is the answer I was given, " damnation is our inability to progress." And so asking what stops us from moving forward, what keeps us in the past or stuck is essential.
What keeps us in the past is what we hold on to. It is something we are not willing to release.

A Course in Miracles teaches us that forgiveness is acquired. It is not inherent in the mind, which cannot sin. As sin is an idea we taught ourselves, forgiveness must be learned as well. The unforgiving mind does not believe that giving and receiving are the same. And that perception changes everything.

A week ago, I was asked to take part in a ritual to forgive the mistakes that were done almost a century ago by a generation long forgotten. A friend of mine, turned what was perceived as a sin into love and light. A new generation offered forgiveness, created beauty.
This weekend, after I learned about the mistakes in my family, I offered forgiveness as well. 

A conscious act is required, a step beyond a thought or an intention. That's forgiveness. It does ask something of us whether we ask for forgiveness or want to forgive others.

In my life, I both asked to be forgiven and prayed to be able to forgive. And everytime, what seemed almost impossible to achieve, became a miracle once I did something for it to happen. Forgiveness is a miracle! An awesome miracle you feel in every cell of your body. That's how I felt it everytime. It's almost like a spiritual shot of espresso that kicks you (and not only you) forward.


"I give you to the Holy Spirit as part of myself.
I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself.
In the name of my freedom I choose your release, because I recognize that we will be released together." A Course in Miracles 



Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”  

Mark Twain



Sunday 16 November 2014

On heart


                                  "The heart is a candle longing to be lit." Rumi

More than a blood pump, more than just an organ, the heart is a bridge. The bridge between two worlds, connecting mind and matter, wisdom from our home above and love from our home here, Earth. 
In that sense, living from the heart is living from the very centre of who we are as human beings, beings carrying the divine light, finding their way in the darkness of limitations.

The question is not whether we have that light within, the question is how we can walk in it and what it truly means for us and others.

Let's stay with the image of a bridge for a while. What meets there, in the heart, is of different nature obviously. However, at one point, one merges into another like rivers do when they reach the ocean. Something new is created and it holds qualities of both for a while. The key then is to keep it balanced, in harmony.

Imagination, intuition, inspiration, and intellect meet emotions, needs, desires, and instincts in the heart.

The world of the higher three chakras meets the world of the lower three chakras in the heart.
One without the other can't create and one is neither superior nor inferior to the other.

We were sitting on the top of the hill overlooking the sleepy water dam. The grass was dry and golden as were all the leaves in the woods we passed on the way there. It was one of the last warm autumn moments before the coming of gray and cold days. But that day, it was still warm enough to stay there, outside, taking in the smells and colours of the country around and below us. Our breaths were one with the stillness of the water and leaves fallen recently. "It could easily be enough to learn only about love for the rest of your life." I said. "It might take more than a lifetime though." He replied. "Maybe even one thousand lifetimes. I take it!" I added and we smiled. We saw one face of love in each other yet decided to open up to all those others there could be.
And the air was still filled with the scent of myrrh burning in his little coal holder.


There are as many ways to your heart as rays of the sun. Be curious and never cease to find your way and light. Sometimes, some steps might be just as easy as taking in what was there for us on that hill.


Here is what I find useful on my way...
Meditation, a practice of focus, concentration, and close examination of what is (be it a thought or an emotion). 
Mindfulness, a practice of awareness, being present wherever you are and in whatever you are doing. Showing up authentic helps as well!
Love, being a lifelong student of love. The love that turns into an endless source of knowledge, wisdom and inspiration, understanding of who you are and why you are here, the force of life.



"The only thing you regret in the end is falling for someone's definition of love instead of exploring its infinite potential. " Camino Called Life








Sunday 9 November 2014

On curiosity

There is a very thin line between fear and curiosity. It goes both ways and it can either deplete our souls or nourish them tremendously!

And ultimately, curiousity will never fail you!

"Curiosity will conquer fear more than bravery will." James Stephens

Curiosity is willingness to look beyond, to overlook the primal fears and restrictions. It asks for your full presence and it opens your heart and senses to what could lie behind; all the possibilities.

In the last two days, I was able to experience that thin line between fear and curiosity and how it affects everything in me. And it beautifully worked both ways as I described earlier.

On Friday, a friend unintentionally brought forth the fears within me with what was harmless question in the beginning. A simple statement that I was curious about but without the chance to get the answers right away, I let my mind slip and create a fearful experience out of it. It took over and I reacted overly emotional to something what never happened. 
And today, I found myself in another situation, potentially fearful, and before acting upon it, I spent some time meditating on what is it I could learn from it. I managed to remove myself from the situation, as if not taking any result personally, as if it was a lesson to learn from. A few minutes later, curiosity led me forth towards new discoveries. 
Cultivating curiosity, however, we need to get rid of the need to get the results or have our expectations met. 

There is one lesson in daring itself, and another one in what is discovered. And it is good to practice mindfulness to be aware of them both. It is good to remember the process as much as the result is always good in its core. And that's, I believe, what conquers the fear!

"This is my life. It is my one time to be me. I want to experience every good thing."
Maya Angelou





Sunday 2 November 2014

On Ego

I have started a brand new notebook today and the first words I wrote down were
Finally, you are here! The whole world has been waiting for you to come.

Those were the words I heard from my good friend and therapist and made me realize something very profound, something I didn't hear for the first time but I "successfully" ignored until now.

It wasn't until I wrote my book from journey that I realized fully all the lessons I learned there. Each day there was something new to learn and when I was writing it in a book I saw it clearly. However, one very crucial lesson was there, unseen to me yet interwoven in each day on my camino.

"You always say we, us, our. I want to know where YOU are." Said my friend when she finished reading my book. And my first reaction was rejection, as usual. But she made it clear and I was forced to face it one more time.

This beautiful, wild, and perfect universe made it possible for me to come into the time and place that is buzzing with transformation. Physical material world is no longer enough and we learn to see and grow beyond the form. And here I came to learn my lesson about the ego and the physical.

See the ego as the grain of sand that enables the oyster to create the pearl.

All spiritual teachings strive for the balance, harmony, and return to unity and oneness. How come there is a part of our uniqueness and oneness that we try to overcome, defy, and don't seem to accept as a part of the divine plan and masterpiece?

Ego, after all, is what makes us human in the first place.

In my story, that little part of me got hurt and wounded along the way; a little child scared and full of doubts and insecurities hiding inside of me. And instead of love and care I could give it, I turned away and rejected it. 
Little did I know I was turning away from the little sun within; the sun that can cast the light on gifts and talents, the sun that dispels all shadows and faults.

"Healthy ego can express its talents and creations without fear of how it will be received. It does not need to boast or convince others of its worth, it creates for the pure joy of expression, like a child." (From an article on partneryoga.net)

Not only was I made with love, I was made of love. How silly it is to think there is a fault and lack in such creation!

Sunday 26 October 2014

On prayer

"Let us, when moving with the music, become the music..."

Prayer is more than words. In fact, prayer does not need any words at all. A wordless gratitude comes closest to it. On the hardest of my days, I go out or take my dog to the forest. And I go, deep enough, to find space and silence within and around me. I go, deep enough, to hear my own wordless prayer. On the hardest of my days, I understand this silent prayer because there is nothing left I could ask for, desire or put in words. On the hardest of my days, I am grateful because I know I did and do my best, because I know it's all for good.

"Let us live deep enough, till there is only one direction..."

As a pilgrim, you fear most the big cities. The big cities where the sounds and lights around can easily distract you and sway you off your path. Prayer is then a practice you worked hard on in the wilderness, you remembered, brought out from within to take you farther into the wild again.

"Let us embrace the unexpected moment of unity..."

In a prayer there is knowing, understanding that might break your plans and structure but inevitably takes you where you need to go. Prayer is a companion there. You can surrender and feel your feet on the path again. Don't struggle!

"Let us have courage to hold each other when we break and worship what unfolds..."

Prayer is also in your eyes, your acts, and words. Not the words you address to God or universe but in the words you address to each other, the seeds of the very same God. Sometimes it's just about being nice, polite, respectful. But that's not where it ends. Sometimes you become the prayer you had once, the prayer others asked for. And sometimes, in the moment of pain, when something precious breaks, one soul reaching for another awakens the love.

"and let us live loud enough in our hearts till there is no need to speak."

How is it you don't need the words to prayer at all?! Desires and needs might not fade away at all but among that all, your heart grew so big that it is all-encompassing, it feels the whole world (small or big, world of your room becomes the world of the whole universe). And you feel something you can't describe through words. You feel...

(Quotes used from the Earth Prayer by Mark Nepo)


Feeling is a prayer!


"Ask without hidden motive
and be surrounded by your answer.

Be enveloped by what you desire.

Ask and you receive and your joy is complete."
                                    The gospel of John

Friday 10 October 2014

On faith

"Faith is an unreserved opening of the mind to the truth, whatever it may turn out to be. Faith has no preconceptions; it is a plunge into the unknown. Belief clings, but faith lets go." Allan Watts

Pat Schneider wrote once that the writing has demanded of her honesty, courage, listening, and waiting. I wrote that down because I couldn't agree more with her on that. And I also wrote that down because I felt there is more to it than just "writing".

Almost seven months ago I decided to start witting regularly. I decided that I would write every Sunday no matter what. You may wonder what it has to do with faith but it actually does! Almost seven months ago it was more than decision to write, it was an act of faith in Divine as well as myself! I have faith in my courage and honesty to share whatever I experience. I manifest my faith in being able to listen attentively for stories and words to use. And I have faith in Divine timing, waiting patiently every week for the "theme" to be revealed. 
And it is as simple as that: every week, my "job" is to be open, attentive, and to simply live fully present. And every week I "let go of" my writing until Sunday when I sit down and write. And I write as honestly as I can. 
For the first few weeks I had moments when I found myself anxious or worried if there would be "something" to write about next week. I tried to have it under control and was consciously looking for inspiration everywhere just to find out I lost most of the week in searching.

Faith indeed is about courage, honesty, listening, and waiting!

I friend of mine asked me if I ever get writer's block. "I did use to have it in the past" I replied. " But not really any more. I guess I just let go of desire to write about something and rather just started to write." It took me some time but I have faith, I know I will write about something but I understand that stillness and waiting come before; clearing the space for that "about" to fill it in. And discipline is a part of that. You wait first but then you start writing and have faith there always will be the reflection in the still waters to write about. And in such discipline the faith is fully manifested!

"As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." James 2:26

"It is said that when one door closes, another opens and new opportunities arise. It is also said that to welcome new in our lives we have to be willing to empty the space of the old. 
It is not always easy because we are scared of that emptiness; scared there might not be another chance to fill it. Nothing in the universe is ever empty.  Actually, it is just the process of replacing one with another." Camino Called Life

What is it you cling on to and can't let go of just because you desire it most? Be brave, honest, open, and patient! Just try once, and then again! And soon you may find yourself swimming in the waters of your desire, or something even better than you imagined.

Sunday 5 October 2014

On inspiration

"I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and heard behind me a great voice."

I heard the very last words of my book when I was out walking my dog one late spring evening. It was long before I wrote the last chapter but obviously, it didn't matter. It was as clear as could be and I heard every single word to be remembered. Unfortunately, I didn't have anything with me to write it down so I had to rely entirely on my memory. And I tried because I knew those words were important!
Half an hour later when I came back and finally wrote them down and felt relieved. For a while!
Engaged in other chores, the words still lingered in my mind, as if they didn't want to leave, as if I didn't do what I was supposed to do with them.
"What is it? I did write it down?" I said to myself (and God) out loud in my kitchen when even after an hour the words didn't want to leave.
I gave up and went to see the notes I made and there it was. Reading it all again I noticed I had missed some words in it. "Of course!" I thought, corrected the message and understood, finally.


Psychologists T.M.Thrash and A.J.Elliot have defined three basic aspects of inspiration:
- evocation - inspiration is evoked spontaneously and without intention
- transcendence - it is transcended of our animalistic and self- serving concerns and limitations. It often involves a moment of clarity and awareness of new possibilities.
- approach motivation - the inspired person longs to pass on, express the vision or an idea.

Given this definition, one would think there is little we can do to "be inspired". However, the opposite is true. There is a way and even thougt it involves practice and sort of discipline, it certainly is something we should strive for.
Openness proceeds inspiration! Openness to experience new and unknown, even to "go where angels fear to thread" as it is said. This of course involves amount of trust and surrender.

Motivation from within and for more than oneself is another "prerequisite".

And thirdly, spiritual state of mind - feeling of oneness and unity, which differs from the state of mind when we are enthusiastic or excited. 

All that (using the ideas of above mentioned psychologists) leads to one thing, inspiration is not meant to help us achieve any particular goal, especially not a personal one, but rather to awaken or bring something new, better, more important to anyone who might need it. And somehow, I do believe that every inspired person is around someone who needs that "something new, better, more important".

Every moment of inspiration I have been blessed with left me assured that it was for more than myself and my own sense of recognition (which after all, does not matter at all in this).
And every moment of inspiration let me experience incredible well-being and contentment for no particular reason, just the result of being open and receptive to the divine energy flowing through me at that moment.


"Do you want to know the whole story?" He asked me as we were sitting by the pond in the light of the waxing moon. 
"Of course I do!" I replied and deep down I knew where it all came from. I didn't know the story though and I needed to know it as well to understand fully.
"I was working on the wall when one of the verses came to my mind but I needed to finish my work first and I didn't have any paper around anyway. It stayed with me however. The words stayed with me until I safely wrote them down. And then, a couple hours later as I was driving, the rest emerged out of nowhere, as if from the darkness and silence of the road in front of me. Holding the wheel in one hand and pen and paper in another one, I was hoping I won't end up somewhere in the field. Stupid I know but I couldn't help myself, I had to write it all down. And I did! 
You were the inspiration! But I also know it was meant for all and so I shared it with everyone." He finished and the moment of silence filled with love and unity followed. Something new, more important was born between us.




Sunday 28 September 2014

On strength

"Oh, come on! Can't you be strong enough and let the things be as they are?!" I kept telling myself over and over yet still ended up reaching out to the one person who most likely didn't even need me to. But I couldn't tell for sure and that's why I kept coming back. My fault; my weakness! But I am not a person to burn the bridges. I strongly believe that any bridge left standing will one day unite people; maybe not the same people as before but it will! And, in my heart, that's a reason good enough to keep that bridge there and open.

So this week it was all about being strong and what it means. I felt it rather intense when I ended up sick and helpless over the last few days. What does it mean to be strong?

Let me give you two option to start with and think about:
It could be the ability to keep up the walls that protect what you treasure most behind. Within those walls you are well aware of any dangers coming and you have time to get ready and react accordingly.

It could also be the willingness to be out there, rather fragile, vulnerable and facing those dangers just because deep down you know and understand that what's not real, can't harm those treasures you carry within.

"Human beings - fragile and resilient!" Camino Called Life

Besides the options I gave you above I feel there is more what we tend to label as "strong".
We sometimes say that those who withstand the storms of life are strong. But what is it that makes them withstand in the first place?

We often see those who are brave enough to stand their ground and fight for their truth and way as strong. But where does such fire come from and does it always kindle other hearts or burn them instead? What controls that fire?

We tend to admire loud, persistent, visible but where is that strength when you look at yourself in the mirror right now, quiet and alone, as authentic as only you can see yourself?

Since being a child, my father was always telling us the story of a Slavic nature. Especially in times when strength and kindness were needed. 
He told us: "It is said that Slavic people are like dough while strong nations such as Romans are like rock. Sure, it was meant to harm Slavs and their reputation and ridicule their ability and willingness to be molded under the pressure. But try to hit the dough with a knife! The dough won't be destroyed and the knife won't stay untouched after that."

Another Zen story talks about the strength we need to hold the water in our hands. The strength we need is actually gentleness! The more we squeeze the water, the more difficult it is to keep it. 

So what is it then that we need to be strong?

Is human being the strongest of all?
Where does our strength lie?
And why did we get it in the first place?

Not the strength that builds the walls, sets the boundaries between the countries, nations, and people. But the strength that changes the hearts and builds bridges that will unite one day.

The strength that, as that dough, leaves others touched and changed but not destroyed.


"So I chose to live and create my world ruled by love and embrace the vulnerability that comes with a smile.
In the kingdom of animals, a grin may express inferiority. Animals grin when they approach a fight or try to step back from one. That's the explanation people made. In the world of business, women are often advised not to smile too much in order to be taken seriously, as an equal opponent. That's also the advice people came up with. When my dog greets me, he happily grins and shows me his fluffy belly. That's his definition of love!
My definition of what it means to be strong changed and it seemed I would need to come to it with a different perspective." Camino Called Life


“On the day when it will be possible for woman to love not in her weakness but in her strength, not to escape herself but to find herself, not to abase herself but to assert herself--on that day love will become for her, as for man, a source of life and not of mortal danger.” Simone de Beauvoir

Sunday 21 September 2014

On Grace

“All the natural movements of the soul are controlled by laws analogous to those of physical gravity. Grace is the only exception. Grace fills empty spaces, but it can only enter where there is a void to receive it, and it is grace itself which makes this void.” 
                                                                                  Simone WeilGravity and Grace

Very early this week I found out that I might learn something about grace. It started with grace I received unknowingly at one particular moment and then it went on showing me its various ways and colours!

What is grace? Grace, the basis of not only Christianity, other religions but also philosophies and to some extent even our common sense. Grace, defined as simply as I can despite its complexity, is a gift offered to us unexpectedly, unknowingly, undeserved! And I write "offered" because to be offered and to accept are two very different things. Acceptance requires free will, another major pillar in many religions, and humility.
So besides not being in control of how or when we can be presented with grace, we most likely won't even know what to expect in the package. And with that comes an incredibly important state we need to acquire in order to receive and recognize it - openness, willingness, and gratitude! 

Brian Gray talks in his lecture on Compassion and Forgiveness how grace not only frees us from our own karma but it frees higher spiritual beings from having to weave the threads of karma for us and so enables them to nourish all of life. 
However, in relation to our own karma, grace does come as a result of our intention to overcome ourselves, our own small world and our choice to give what we withheld, provide what we didn't, forgive others and ourselves trespasses because we simply didn't understand one another. 
When we learn to love, we learn to nourish one another and create space for grace to fill in, not for ourselves only, not for one another but for the whole world.

And after all, whatever I wrote in this post, trying to summarize briefly the power and way of grace, it still is the act of God and He does give generously and especially to those who haven't set their intention on healing themselves or others, who don't earn it, who are confused or lost, who trespass against us...and I believe it could be that such "wanderers" unknowingly carry that void within; the soil for the grace to take roots!

Whether they recognize the grace that filled their void, however, and take it to others, is another story.
Nevertheless, it will be given generously until, one day, we all do.


Monday 15 September 2014

On love and pain

My first "Caminocalledlife" post was about love and since then I longed to write more about it, more about love and be more specific. I really wanted to name one post On Love. And I still want but I have my doubts about it already.
I realized love is interwoven in every one of them and I can't seem to separate it from anything. And so I find it somehow comforting even today to say "love and pain is the same!".


True love sometimes allows great suffering!
It's just because what we need to learn is essential for our growth, for healing, our own as well as the whole world.
If you need to learn that, one thing only, the lesson you came here to experience above all else, then there is only one way, as Christ said..."One way, one truth, one life."

It is Love!
Love is the way to learn and experience what we need, it is opportunity, encouragement and lesson itself at the same time.

Nothing but love, nothing else, has the power to break in the heart and break it so that the light can get in!
And that's the place when/where oneness, unity of our own spark and divine light, the understanding and acceptance come from.

Only love is true! Everything else falls apart in its light. Everything!

We carry the light within no matter what, whether we are aware of it or not. We don't choose it, it is who we are!
And yes, love is sometimes painful because the light gets in and out and new being is born at that moment. And that always hurts. But that's not where it ends. We don't need to embody the pain, it is not where we should stay and linger. Pain if understood and transformed is what brings that new life.

I noticed that pain comes to my life everytime I forget who I truly am and why I am here. Everytime I prevent that oneness in any way, everytime I stop and avoid transformation. I am here to be divinely myself but I am not here for myself!

"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.
Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before others..." Matthew 5:14-15

Love and pain is the same because both come through others as a gift! 




"You have to keep breaking your heart until it's open."  Rumi




Sunday 7 September 2014

On Rhythm

The rising and the setting sun, the waxing and the waning moon, the hand that's wide open, seemingly empty yet ready to receive the blessings. The whole universe follows this rhythm; the rhythm that is bestowed on us with every breath we take.

Everything seems to follow the law of expansion and contraction...Then a pause follows to prepare a space for the rhythm to continue; endlessly.

"Everything flows, out and in; everything has its tides; all things rise and fall; the pendulum-swing manifests in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; rhythm compensates."--The Kybalion.

We love the moments when things go well, flourish, and prosper. We strive to keep them that way and tend to resist the change that could possibly shake them up. In fact, every change does shake things up and that is why it is hard to surrender to changes. It is difficult and yet it is normal to feel that way as well.
This is one side of the rhythm. And then there is the other one. The moments we dread, we resist, we wish away. 

This weekend I had a long conversation with a good friend of mine. We talked and I shared my doubts concerning the present stage of my journey.
"Just imagine this journey as a puzzle. Some pieces are big, important, you will always remember them. Like your pilgrimage! And then there are pieces that are small, insignificant, easy to overlook but your picture wouldn't be whole without them." 

Your picture is not made of big and beautiful moments only! Your picture is not made of tragic and dramatic moments only! 

Calmness in the face of joy and sorrow! Teaches Steiner

Ignoring the small pieces, the moments of sorrow and sadness, as well as expecting joy and harmony at all times does not seem to be the way.
Balance and acceptance, on the other hand, can guide us through the valleys and over the mountain tops. Balance and acceptance awaken our senses to possibilities that surround us, miracles that occur naturally, unseen beings waiting to help us along the way. And with balance and acceptance we bear fruits that last forever (John 15:16).
However, balance and acceptance would mean very little should we overlook the blessings each season has to offer.

Enjoy the sweetness of summer and know that winter is coming...followed by another spring, fresher and greener than before because you walk in it with your eyes open and aware.

The journey always starts and ends with Joy but what carries us through is balance, acceptance and peace!

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12




Sunday 31 August 2014

On dreams

"Where love is deep, much can be accomplished."  Shinichi Suzuki

When was the last time you had a dream? A dream that, no matter how small or big, came true. A dream that is now a part of your reality or a living piece of your memory.

The dreams we dream while we are awake! The dreams that direct our lives and provide fulfillment when they are born, long before they come true! This is important! A dream becomes a miracle the moment it is born, its manifestation is then just a matter of love (and freedom) we give it.

I wondered why there is the same word describing something we experience uncounsciously during our sleep and a desire, longing, calling of our soul that is very present in our lives whether we sleep or not. I still wonder and I still don't have an answer but it seems the mind work, confusion and doubts arise to accompany such birth. For a while...



The heart plays a significant role in that all however. The heart - the centre of our life, soul, and potential to create the world we live in. And so when the mind is silenced, the heart takes over gently and quietly. It does not use loud words or arguments. It "just" makes us feel alive! Without words or thoughts, it tells the right from wrong. And we need to learn how to listen to that silence. Dreams are born of it!


"It is amazing thing about being human that we can feel something inside and then build it in the world. It seems we have this inborn need to love and create." Mark Nepo

            
Dreams always sprout in our hearts, from the seeds of love. If we water and nurture them, they take roots and outgrow our whole being, emerging through us to our reality and become a physical part of it. And sometimes, they even reach others so we can sow the seeds of love in them too. 



Sunday 24 August 2014

On Enthusiasm

“I wept because I was re-experiencing the enthusiasm of my childhood; I was once again a child, and nothing in the world could cause me harm.” 
Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage

A few days ago I wrote down a sentence in my journal; 
     "I don't have more answers than before but I do have more understanding and clarity."
What kind of understanding and clarity? You could ask. I would probably disappoint you with no answer to that either. However, the difference is that it is no longer frustration for me. It is no longer a driving force for me, collecting answers in my shelf. I can continue in this journey, exploring, discovering, and creating out of the pure enthusiasm without the need to follow "my own preordered plan for the life".
It is a nice blend of a free will to continue and grow, willingness to take risks and learn, and surrendering to the God's will and plan.


If I was to define enthusiasm, I would most likely say it is a decision and practice of surrendering to the beauty and love that surround us at any given moment wherever we are. It is the world seen through children's eyes.
Originally, the word has a Greek root, en - one with, and theos - the divine.
That would mean that everytime you feel enthusiastic (joyous, inspired, excited, eager, ...alive!), you are one with the divine and from that place you can see the world as it really is.
And yes, it is a decision and a practice because our own free will tries to make sense and reason almost any of our endeavors.

Feeling enthusiastic is thus the rememberance of our Home!

...and sometimes that can be a bit tricky as well. Especially when we try too hard to "remember" more, when we try to recreate those "same" moments of bliss, when we look back instead of to the present moment.

"As such, enthusiasm is not a mood that can be willed or forced. Rather, it is the ripple that follows the stone. It can be felt after we immerse ourselves in life." Mark Nepo

Whenever I felt the lack of enthusiasm in my life, it was because I was looking for a way to throw that stone to water myself. 
It is the same as asking yourself a question "What is my life's purpose?" and expecting the answer as specific as the question you ask.

"Start with a table of leg. Give it your full attention and love. Polish it, paint it, look at it as the leg of a table, not the table it might be one day. Then, when you feel you are done, move on to the next part and do the same. The whole universe will work with you on the table, you work on the leg first though."
a dear friend of mine said when I asked her how to start...



"I already learned to walk every day in gratitude, giving thanks for the blessings on their way and keeping my heart and eyes open to notice them in whatever way they presented themselves to me. You know, miracles do happen! We just miss them sometimes looking for what we expect." Camino Called Life


Sunday 17 August 2014

On meeting another

"How strange!" I thought to myself but I knew I could use their company for the rest of the day. Jeremy was in a lot of pain but they wanted to make it just a bit farther that day too. And I like to think I came there to join them with a new portion of energy to make it through.

No interaction is ever one sided. We meet people because they can give us something we need at that time just as much they need something we have and can share with them. And that happens without us being aware of it. 
And sometimes we need more of their company and teaching and that's why we come back to them!
                                                                                                                 Camino Called Life

I went out with friends this weekend and noticed one thing. Meeting another person brings out different reaction in everyone. What someone may find insulting, the other won't even notice. What one person says may be translated differently even if they all use the same language. What other person does might just as well go unnoticed despite the importance of the act. What happens inside of those involved in the meeting? And why is that reaction so different sometimes?

When I was walking the Camino, I always started a day with a prayer asking for my heart to be open, aware, able to notice and understand what I need to understand and what the other person needs to communicate, with or without words. And I keep praying the same prayer since then. 

There is more to communication than words and more to meeting another than communication. 

Rudolf Steiner talks about how we can approach and meet another so that both can grow and benefit from the meeting. He explains the difference between sympathy, antipathy, and empathy. And it is more than liking or disliking another person.
Sympathy as Steiner explains is letting ourselves "fall asleep" in order to allow the other cross the boundaries. It blurs what we perceive as a separation but also our self-awareness.
Antipathy lies in recognizing those boundaries, the separation, and brings the possibility of self-awareness, understanding of the self as well as sense of freedom.
One is about "loosing oneself" while the other is "closing off from the outer world". 

"In meetings between people there is a constant oscillation between sympathy and antipathy which is almost beyond our control. It is perhaps as little under our control as our breathing process. We "sleep into the other" and reawaken to ourselves in rapid succession and alteration." Rudolf Steiner

Empathy lies in between - in our willingness to fall asleep just enough for the other to reach towards us but giving them a gift of meeting us as we are and with what we have to offer.

 "empathy is almost a non-power - the non-power of the consciousness-soul. It is the outcome of the meditative path - the way leading into the landscape of the other person, into his sanctuary....." Rudolf Steiner


Communion is always a blessing. Its taste may differ from person to person but it always carries the power and potential to enrich those involved in it.


True communication is communion- the realization of oneness, which is love.” Eckhart Tolle

Sunday 10 August 2014

On shadow work

Try this with your partner, friends or a teenage child. Stand up, reach up for their hands, your palms wide open, but don't touch them. Just stand with your hands almost touching between you. The task is to move your hands and let the other follow your moves, pace, direction.

After a while change the roles, let them lead. 
How does it feel to be in control? How is it when you have to follow not knowing what to expect?

This is the kind of exercise we did on the workshop called Boundaries Between Us last week in England. And this was the first time I realized how uncomfortable I feel not knowing, not being in control, in charge of choices. 
I had to admit (willing or not) that I am a leader, sometimes bossy and even manipulative. I am good at that. 
And that's all true despite my deepest desire to please others, help them, let them grow in their own ways. 

"So what's the problem?" You might ask. The problem is I didn't want to admit this to myself in the first place. Sometime in the past I must have convinced myself that it is not right this way, that it shouldn't be like that.
Jung would say I had formed a shadow then.

"Filling the conscious mind with ideal conceptions is a characteristic of Western theosophy, but not the confrontation with the shadow and the world of darkness. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." Jung 

 
Still deeply touched by the experiences from last week, I decided to dig deeper and do a little bit of shadow work. Shining a light on the shadows I ignored and overlooked all those years. 

Jung says that what we repress comes back to us through people we meet, their behavior and characteristics that annoy or irritate us most. I looked back at the most significant relationships I had (have) and found similarities. 
What did I find? Passivity, insecurity, undecisiveness, aloofness, lack of commitment and persistence!
I was forced to take the lead, to decide, to control, to commit!


But this is not the end of the work. This is not the solution, it is just seeing the things as they are, acknowledgement and acceptance.

What I repressed long time ago was my own aloofness, detachment, undecisiveness and ability (willingness) to simply follow and let go!

I need to learn and become comfortable with unknown, unexpected, not planned.

"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." Jung 

If you want to try shadow work too. Here is a way to start. It might (and should) take you much deeper though. Do not judge yourself, accept yourself as you are (as opposed to "who you should be") and finally look for the positive qualities it can bring into your life (because it does!).

1. What characteristics do I find annoying/irritating/frustrating on others?

2. What might others find irritating/annoying about me?

3. What would I be like if I had some of the characteristics from question #1?

4. How can I love myself with those characteristics more?


I am safe wherever I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I can trust!