Thursday 31 December 2015

The journey of a hero

A whole year has passed again and came to a full circle; and tomorrow the same old year will start, same in a new way again.

I never really believed in New Years but I have to admit there is something about it, about a new start with all that banging and bright lights around, something that forces you to wake up in the middle of a long winter night, wake up and steer your life in a brand new direction, or keep the course and keep on walking.

Today I felt a deep urge to write again. I wish it came from a place of joy and happiness but this time it comes with a long and heavy veil of deep sadness. 

The story, however, always comes to a full circle, and it starts and ends in love. In fact, love is there all along, never ending. Everything there is, is made of love. And I try to never forget that, no matter how it appears to be on the outside.

I met the love of my life, I got married, we bought the house that became our home and planted the roses to grow with us for the years to come. We danced naked, we cried, we laughed through those tears, we cook, we walk in the moonlight, swam with the seals, hold each other in sorrow, pain and anger and we fall asleep together. 
And we do all that with love and passion, with the force, full of life and intensity.

Our love taught me how much human beings crave connection and unity on this heroic journey through life. 
That's what we remember from the Home and that's what makes us feel safe here as well.


And then I experienced incredibly painful loss. I lost our first baby just eight weeks after we found out. I know we didn't lose the soul that comes to our lives but I lost the connection, the promise of home that came with it. My body healed, my heart grows stronger but still feels that pain. And in that pain I forgot I can't do it on my own.

The journey of a hero is never a lonely journey. For two months I hardly ever mentioned my sadness and grief because I desperately wanted to forget and resume the "normal" state. Yet whatever I did, every now and then, the pain made itself present, made sure I would not forget it is there. And I don't have to tell you that pain hurts more when you try to ignore it.

My soul was, my heart were crying for the loss and I ignored them as much as I could, the fear and frustration creeped in and I learned what it means to scream in anger. And yes, I even hated myself and my body for a moment. I felt sorry for myself, I cried, I pretended, shouted and again hated myself for not being able to heal and cope fast enough. 
And day after day I was losing the fight, getting weaker and more tired and didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I knew I couldn't win the fight...alone!

I wish I knew at least one person who has been through the same, I wish someone would tell me that it hurts for such a long time. I wish I didn't have to punish myself for feeling the connection that was there for those eight weeks.
I wish I didn't pretend and felt safe enough to grief openly as long as I needed. I could have avoided the confusion I created within and around me. 

My friend once told me that if we were meant to go through it all alone, we all would be given a separate planet to live on! Surely the space is big enough to provide that!
But no, we squeeze in here, having to learn to go through it together. Because even though separated by our bodies, we all crave the connection, remembering the Home of oneness. 

My husband has the most loving eyes I have ever seen and when I look at him in silence, my own start filling with tears of gratitude...if I keep ignoring the pain that is in my life now, if I withdraw and separate, how much connection do I offer and leave? What if, what if he craves the same after all?!
I can't go through it on my own anymore and I know love is still there even though it's hard to see from time to time. And I have those eyes, his arms and whole wide world to hold on to in my grief. I forgot I never needed to get back to normal, I never needed myself back because I was never lost, just sad.

The day I went to the hospital, few moments before, I was laying on the floor in our bathroom in excruciating pain saying to myself and baby that I release him now, that it can go if he has to.
The day I came back from the hospital, the same day when people remember their deceased loved ones, I stopped to light a candle and all I could say at that moment, the only words that came out were "Thank you!".

And now I am grateful again looking into my husband's eyes and feeling the smile on my face. All is made of love, and it always has been!

Saturday 21 March 2015

The only sin and the only reason to die

"Can you be just happy?! Happy to death, literally! To say one day that you died of happiness!"

Start anew, happy, and let yourself die 
a little everytime 
sadness and fears come, get through
the cracks of your brokenness and frailty;
Die a little
Be born again,
happy and without past!

Was the death on the cross so small
that you chose to sin 
against yourself anyway?

Just be fucking happy!
And if it upsets the world, well done!
You needed that slap in the face 
once too.

Why do you want something
you already have,
and don't want something
that is not!

Sunday 8 March 2015

On Diving in

"You see, Vladka, the truths are nothing unless you can apply them." He told me. He didn't even know all the details of what I was going through and yet, he totally nailed it! All that I had been working on for three years, I mastered. But I was the master of a theory and that's not enough, that's not why we came here in the first place. Mastering the theory is like remembering the truth but we came here to experience it, to choose it and be it! We know it all already anyway, just forgot it for a while.

"You don't manifest what you want, you manifest what you are." 

A whole lot has been written and said about the art of manifestation and creation. Steps are easy to find, easy to follow. Be clear, set the intention, feel it, believe it, chill...and finally?! Accept and choose your choice and creation! 
All that before, from being clear about your goal to letting it go, is actually just a theory even though it requires hard work. The beingness of it comes with willingness to accept your own creation, the choice to be it despite the opposition and despite your own past self.

Testing the waters is safe, it can give us confidence and partial experience but it can only serve us partially as well. Jumping in the water is a full experience, diving into it is a full experience and yes, it is risky. We totally risk getting what we wanted all the time! It is a difference between recognising the spark inside yourself and seeing it as a seed of God, and knowing yourself as God, it is a difference between seeking the love outside, and being the love with its infinite potential.

Strive for the truth! The same message again. I asked again and again what the truth I should be striving for is and I expected yet another piece of information to follow, a piece of universal wisdom or knowledge to memorize. 
The truth, however, goes beyond knowingness. It is in being, in choice and most importantly in a choice to accept, dive in, and be...transformed once again!




Sunday 1 March 2015

On drawing the line

The beaches of North Norfolk are stunning! Wild and enchanting with cold, harsh winds blowing from the sea, playing with the tall grass in tune with the songs of birds nesting in the marshes! 
And at the same time, that same beauty is in a constant "danger" of slowly disappearing in the sea with every high tide that takes the sand and dunes away.
That's life though! And the proof that it is still alive, the world we live in, no matter how constant it may appear.

How often have I talked and written about the necessity to leave something behind in order to be able to reach out for something new. How often was I put in a situation where I needed to leave something behind, let go, and move on. And how often have I refused to burn the bridges just because...

...well, the truth I realized today is that I didn't burn the bridges in the past because I wanted a way back, just in case, an escape button for my life, maybe I wanted to be "a good girl" for everyone, for those I left behind as well as for all those I was just about to meet and greet in my life. 
I could say I was a chronic "people pleaser", a coward who hides behind a smile and friendliness even though my intention was just not to hurt anyone around. That intention was there always, that's how much I know for sure! 
However, what I forgot was the fact that it's not only dishonest but keeps me stuck and defined by my past.

It was on one of those beach walks when I thought about all that sand taken away. We grieve for it being taken away and we even try to stop that but there is a new island somewhere else being formed at the same time! 
Nothing in the nature disappears! And nothing is the same as it was before so why do we keep defining ourselves by who we were in the past?!

A wise elder lady told me today that I can't have love I desire and fear it at the same time.
I simply have to choose one! I have to choose one and act accordingly. 

"Make up your mind", she said, with a gentle smile on her face and firmness in her voice! She was clear about that, there was nothing to discuss.

So what do you choose when you finally face your dream, when you are no longer settling for less than you deserve? Are you willing to burn the bridges with the past, close the doors behind painful experiences, and forget the image you had about yourself in the past?! What is the real price you would have to pay? What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could happen? 

What would love do now? 

There comes a moment when being ready is simply not enough any more, a step forward has to be taken! A step forward, leaving the bridges and doors behind! Have faith, there was a new island being formed for you all along the way, you just need to leave the beach behind.


Friday 20 February 2015

On the past

We like to think the past holds us hostage but the truth is, it is us who hold on to it because it is the only familiar thing we can relate to.

And then, when we come to face a new experience in our lives, we stand in front of the decision to react to it and do as we did before or create something new. 
And this is true with our dreams as well as fears!

Sometimes, we subconsciously sabotage a new experience by choosing the same reactions, assumptions, and stories we experienced before. We basically decide to experience the same just to prove we "know" the life we live, to feel in control no matter how sick and weird such choice is.

And why is it a sick and weird choice? Well, because we choose to punish ourselves just to prove we know the answer to the question of life.
Paolo Coelho wrote in one of his books that when we get very close to reaching our dream, we have a tendency to self-sabotage it.
How?

Simply by acknowledging the wounds we have as more real than the light that shines through us!

The wounds, the experience I had in the past was so intense that tried to push it away,  hoping I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was somehow hoping it would go away but simply ignoring it and focusing on the bright side of the life as much as I could. And it worked!
...for a while!

It worked until I was ready (and probably strong enough) to face it and hopefully choose again, create something new in my life or repeat and react in the way I did before.

What did you learn?
How well do you remember who you truly are in the face of your fears and wounds?
How much are you dedicated to creation (in contrary to reaction)?

I heard my soul asking me these questions again and again over these last few days. Persistently but with a gentle patience and loving kindness as my soul always does.

I was hurt in the past, for a while I decided I can't trust anyone and so abandoned love completely. For a while... and I blamed everyone, including myself for all the pain and loss. For a while I wanted to play the role of a victim. 
But it all lasted just for a while!

But how do we really know we are ready to move on and create instead of react?
Well, we know that when we are given another opportunity to choose and decide which way to want to go this time. 
I knew that when my dreams started to take on! It was relatively easy while they were still young and "formless". I was still in control and didn't feel the need to choose one way only I suppose. 

I needed an earthquake to come to my senses to choose consciously!

I saw myself punishing myself, pushing the new choice and new experience away from me, sabotaging my dream just because I knew how to react to pain already. 
But maybe, just maybe, I can learn how to react to love this time! At least that's what I choose today!
And for a while, just for a while I need to forget what I had learned before.



Sunday 15 February 2015

On acceptance

I have skipped a week, last Sunday I didn't write anything even though the thoughts in my head literally took over. It was just too busy in there I suppose to write down anything substantial.
Well, days like that happen too and the only thing I can do, the only thing I could do at that moment was to accept it as it was and is.

Is that a failure? I saw it like that for a while. I saw it as me failing to follow through with my commitment to write regularly. But that perception lasted just a little while. A little while until I realized and remembered I did my best at that moment! Maybe I would do things differently now but then, at that moment I did all I could.

If you have read the book called Four Agreements then you may remember but that one of them is "do you best".
"Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy and when you are sick. Under any circumstances simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret."

Over the last two weeks I had to remind myself how much work I have done so far, remember that, no matter how difficult times were, how challenging and tiring the journey is sometimes. Old fears and insecurities came to the surface once more and I could choose to create anew or react like I did before. React like I did when it was all I could do and it was my best then! I always did my best. I am who I am as a result of that and all I can do now, right now, is to accept it, accept myself! Am I englightened? Perfect? Finished piece of work? Certainly not! But I know now, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, with all the imperfections and wounds to teach me about acceptance. And every time I make a conscious choice to accept myself as I am at any moment, I am closer to accepting others as well. It simply doesn't work the other way round!

Love thrives in a sanctuary called acceptance!

And where does it all start? It is not knowing, not understanding, or enjoying someone that is the starting point! It all starts with acceptance. And we all can start right where we are with the person closest to us, ourselves!

Dear God, please help me to believe the truth about myself...no matter how beautiful it is." Macrina Wiederkehr

Saturday 31 January 2015

On paradox

Do you have a bad day, feel frustrated, fed up or hopeless? Try this, feel good and watch what happens!
I think it is so important I even put it on a card I carry in my bag wherever I go.

How to do that? How to simply feel good? I suggest just stop doing whatever you are as it obviously does not help. Stop and do anything, anything else that would change the way you feel! Don't be too selective, don't overanalyze, just do something else and focus on that for a while.

And try this also when you are frantically looking for something you have lost, longing for something you desire, or trying to let go of something you don't want anymore in your life.

In one of my favorite films there is a scene where one of the characters explains her desire to find a ladybug as a child. Maybe you have seen the film, Under the Tuscan Sun. After a while she was so tired she just gave up and fell asleep in the grass. And when she woke up, ladybugs were crawling all over her!

To get what you want you might need to give up first!

The ladybug landed on my hand this week! It is winter, cold and freezing almost every day but somehow someway she made it to remind me of the scene, she reminded me to stop obsessing over what I want most! 
Oh and I know how difficult it is to break that pattern, to stop the tape in your mind, to let go of your control.

Because that's it, exactly, let go of your control! You can't truly let go unless you admit there is a higher power taking care of it all on your behalf when you can't see the way out from your limited perspective, missing the bigger picture.

This week I learned something new as well! I found out that similar "approach" is also a popular practice among the Buddhist monks. It is called Koan. It can be a story, a statement, or a question that can't be understood logically. 
Gretchen Rubin gives several great examples of koans on her blog, examples that are not necessarily of Zen origin but serve the same purpose.
And why do I mention koans in my post on a paradox? Well, isn't it all about a paradox that defies the logic and yet we all somehow suspect the grain of truth hides inside (or shall I say a pearl of truth?)? 
Isn't the Divine timing perfect after all to teach me about koans on the day I decided to write about a paradox, during the week I struggled with my obsessive way finding and problem solving?

So once again, feel good and watch what happens, especially when you feel like shit! Yes, so bad! It goes against the logic and that's the point after all!



And if you feel like you might use some other "koans" to unplug, try to meditate over one of these. There is no particular order or importance. Just pick one that speaks to you when you are stuck and give it your attention for a while...and watch what happens!


Let go of what you desire most

You don't manifest what you want, you manifest what you are

Give that which you lack

Want what you have and you will have what you want

In my weakness my strength lies 




Saturday 24 January 2015

On readiness


"When fear makes your choices for you, no security measures on earth will keep the things you dread from finding you. But if you can avoid avoidance - if you can choose to embrace experiences out of passion, enthusiasm, and a readiness to feel whatever arises - then nothing, nothing in all this dangerous world, can keep you from being safe." Martha Beck


Think about what readiness actually is. You can think of it as a state of being fully prepared for something or...willingness to do something. Way too often we get stuck with the first one and wait until we are fully prepared. It surely starts there but it's not the end.
I think it is easier to think about it like that, and wait. It is easier because waiting is easier, seemingly safer.
Over the last three years I have studied various teachings, read many wonderful books, attended workshops, seminars, underwent therapies to uncover and clear old patterns, learn new ways, know myself. I even packed my backpack and walked across Spain. 
I did all that truly believing I was not ready.
I did all that and every single time I waited for the results of some kind. 
I thought that's the way it always works. You do something and get results, something changes.
It actually works that way quite often....but 
It worked only as long as it could. 

In the beginning, you search and study and all that connects you to yourself. You remember who you are, your gifts, talents, passions, purpose, and your power. The communication between you and You becomes stronger and clearer. All that search and study gets you there but then, from there the road changes!

From there, you bend the rules that worked for you for so long! You bend them because you were the one who made them in the first place.
From there, you have to acknowledge your readiness, make a choice and then do what is necessary.

You were always ready! You are always ready but to be able (and willing) to accept that, taking the road of remembering is essential. On that road, you learn to understand the gifts humility, responsibility, and authentic power. 

Time serves your experience. As long as you need more time to recognize and use the experience, it will be given to you. 

Time bends at the curve!

When you accept the fact that you are ready to chose experience, choose to be what you need to experience and be the source for others of that experience, the road changes, time becomes irrelevant and bends. 


"If you are seeking, seek us with joy 
For we live in the kingdom of joy. 
Do not give your heart to anything else 
But to the love of those who are clear joy, 
Do not stray into the neighborhood of despair. 
For there are hopes: they are real, they exist – 
Do not go in the direction of darkness – 
I tell you: suns exist."
- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi 



Are you willing to accept you might be ready as you are? 
Are you ready to be the one who chooses?
What is it you wish to experience now? What is it you want the world around you to experience through you? You are ready, you have always been, my friendly soul.

Sunday 18 January 2015

On vulnerability

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.

Thich Nhat Hanh


How much are you comfortable in your body, in your skin, with your thoughts or feeling your feelings when they arise? How much honesty is enough? How much do you let others see/know you? How much are you in love with yourself? And maybe you don't even think it is safe or right to love yourself, to be yourself, open and honest, because people could judge you or misunderstand your intentions, what's worse, you could be rejected! 
And so, you can choose to conform.

You may have already heard that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience but spiritual beings have a temporary human experience. If you believe that than you have to believe we are all one in our essence. We came from the One and carry a memory of it in our hearts and the moment we are born into the world that teaches us through separation and duality, all we strive for is belonging!

We may think that conforming to what others want is a way to such experience of belonging but I think it takes us too far from that in fact. 
First of all, we can never know for sure what the other person wants or desires. Second, others may not know clearly what they want and can change it at any moment. Thirdly, choosing to conform we move even farther from the memory of oneness we had when we were born because we turn our attention from what is inside of us to what is in the outer world and we let ourselves be led by our assumptions only.

Conformity seems safer but we get numb and forget, vulnerability is risky but it is a way to remember.


"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” Brene Brown

I got a clear message, Strive for Truth, and I knew I had to listen to it in order to heal. Seeing the same message twice in a short time brought me a relief but at the same time a painful question what the truth actually is!
So I asked for help, guidance and answers. Gary Zukav wrote in his book The Seat of Soul that everytime you ask for an answer, it will come. Always! Though not always in a form you expect. 
My answer came as well but certainly not in a form I expected. I asked a question, I used the words but the answer came in the form of my own will and actions. How strange, I know!
My intention and feeling were aligned and very clear, I wanted to know the truth, follow it and understand it! But I didn't know the way.

Sometimes not knowing anything makes you a better student, more willing let the Divine take the lead, more open to opportunities and transformation, more eager to explore, and more likely to discover.


"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." Brene Brown


And so what was the answer I received? I found it coming from within. It comes again and again and it is always my choice to recognize and accept it. It can be an honest answer I choose to give, a decision not to react from fear or anger but with patience or compassion, it is acknowledging that I, too, can be scared and afraid but not having to be paralyzed by it. Today, it was saying enough when I had enough, but not with anger. Yesterday, it was saying I love you when I knew I wouldn't get the same response. I didn't say enough because I didn't want to deal with the other person, I said it because I knew I wouldn't be true if it continued. I didn't say I love you to get the same response, to get approval, but because I knew it is true and the other person deserves it.
And this is important, I believe, be yourself, be authentic, learn what it means for you to be authentic today and what it will mean tomorrow. It can change, you can change, it is natural and it is life. In accepting uncertainty your freedom lies.
But behind it all, always remember that memory, the memory of oneness you came from, the memory that is your primal drive and force striving for connection with others (and yourself). With that memory in mind and in heart, don't surrender to illusions, fears. Do your best now to do what love would do. And then tomorrow, do your best again, with love. 

Being vulnerable is like building a bridge over the river. It is a hard work, it is risky. The rain and strong wind may struck you down many times, you may end up in cold waters, even break your bones but you know there is plenty of sunshine as well, and beautiful rainbows and butterflies and birds and the other side of the river! And most of all you know it is not about something on that other side that you long for, it is that connection that you want to experience, building the bridge. Because sometimes we have others on "our side of the river" but still feel disconnected from them.

Pick a good attitude! You may get others to start building on the other side to meet you in between! 

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing 
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there."
Rumi



Saturday 10 January 2015

On Giving

Give and then give more, and more. Give like a passionate addict, an addict to the process of filling the world with love! Like you can never get enough of giving from the well that has no bottom. 


I started this year with one of my creative projects, painting. When I paint, I never know what the result will be. I just start and paint until it's done. I don't leave the paintings unfinished and I always give it a freedom to unveil its essence in front of my eyes. It is, by far, the most intense prayer and mediation I can experience. The energy stored inside is released and transformed into something beautiful. And I let the form create itself!
It was no different this time. 
The evening fell on the city and covered it with its quietness and stillness, fluffy snowflakes gently falling down on the frozen ground, and I took out my paints and brushes from the old wooden box. The light of a candle lit the room and I could safely dive into the waters of colors and emotions. The dog was snoring tugged in my bed and peace filled my mind and heart. I was ready to start.

Why is giving so important, why does it matter so much?! Well, because in giving the ultimate creation lies. There is no other way, no shortcut to a conscious and beautiful world than through giving.

Giving is a key to forgiving. Forgiving is a way to compassion and that's where a Christ-like consciousness is born!

Dr. Wayne Dyer said that the highest purpose is about giving yourself unconditionally and accepting what comes back with love even if what comes back is not what you had anticipated.

A couple hours later my painting was finished. The story of a starry night somewhere up in the mountains, late summer, and a house standing there all alone...filled with light.
I was looking at it and saw my dream come true right there in front of me. The Home of Light was born in my heart, manifested in reality, and I couldn't wait to put it up on one of my walls.
But it was not meant to be my home only!

Neale Donald Walsch says again and again Be the Source, give that which you want to have.
I took a photo of my painting and as usual, shared it with my good friend. Few moments later he replied asking me to take a better photo so that he can print it out and put on his wall. He loved it and I knew at that moment why I was painting it in the first place! 
I really wanted to keep it but at that moment I knew giving it away would make me even happier. I don't need to keep it, it came from within me, that Home of Light was always in my heart, I just wanted to see it for a while and now it will travel to where it is needed more.
Now, it will travel to where it was needed from the very beginning.


Just your honest intention to give is enough! The right people and situations will come to your life immediately, people and situations in which exactly that which you are able to give is needed. Maybe you don't know now what it is you can give, maybe you even think you don't have enough but the truth is there is always something we have what someone else needs, be it a smile, kind words, a flower, right book, appreciation, silent prayer, acceptance, understanding, money to get by or a free ticket to the museum.
Just your intention to give is enough, then all you need to do is act upon any intuitive impulse you have that has a potential to make someone happy. You will be guided, trust the process!

Try it, meet and greet everyone with some sort of a gift, try it for a day and see how rich that little shift makes you feel. Start your week in the grand manner.


And I shouldn't forget to mention one more thing, don't expect gratitude, acknowledgment, recognition or anything in return.
Giving and receiving are inseparable so be open to receive and rest assured there will be plenty but don't limit the divine by setting up your expectations on what it is you are open to receive. Detachment is the result of abundance consciousness!


Saturday 3 January 2015

On Light

"Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on." John Lennon

On a quiet Saturday morning I took my cup of tea and as usual started flipping through the newspapers and magazines. It is the beginning of a new year, the so called "season of light" despite the fact that days are rather short and nights darker than ever. I wondered why it is called the season of light then! Well, maybe because, as Barbara Brown Taylor writes in one of her books, "there is a light that is only visible in the darkness". 

During one of mediations this week I had a rather "ordinary" thought of what or who I really am. This time, however, it was more about the physical body. 
Our bodies are too dense to expect the light can actually come through, I thought. So we would naturally expect to find the darkness inside. And that might be true to our physical sight. Yet in my meditation I saw the light inside, dwelling in what might be perceived as a darkness.

As I was reading through the papers, I came across a beautiful article. The title, Let's shine with the Year of Light", was enough to grab my attention. And even more did one short paragraph there.

"Our fascination with light never fades and it can come in a form of a rainbow, for example. It is a simple physical law called the refraction of light. The rain drops on their way to Earth meet the light and what we see is a rainbow." (From the SME newspaper)

The International Year of Light is more of a scientific thing than a spiritual one, of course. However, I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw the metaphor of it!

The rain drops on their way to Earth meet the light and we get all those little, special parts of light called colors.

The Light, our essence, on its way to Earth meets the matter, water and flesh, so that it can experience and recognize its little special parts; all the aspects of divinity, love.

We all are a part of such rainbow! Some choose to experience the red, some blue, others green spectrum of it. None is more important or better, just special in its own way. Slower or faster in its vibration but still part of the same light.

And what if I told you that you can choose which special part you want to be now? What if it is not bound to be just one you might have already experienced? What if you can choose again, not better or wiser, just again!

"Don't forget, you can change anything you want. You are not what you have learned to be," said Manuel with the last hug and a gentle kiss on my cheek that morning. My eyes were filled with tears and my heart with love and hope. What he said that morning has stayed with me every day since then: the little insignificant act of love, the seed of change watered and slowly growing within. Camino Called Life